Sister Clarence… Molly Kearney
Sister Cecelia… Aubrey Plaza
Christopher O’Malley… Andrew Dismukes
Sister Clarence: Good morning St. Christopher O’Malleys High School. I’m Sister Clarence with your morning announcements. And joining me as always, is my best friend. The woman who puts the fun in nun, the walkie, Sister Cecilia.
Sister Cecelia: Hello.
Sister Clarence: All right. Well, it’s Monday, and I had an interesting weekend. I finally watched Mr. Cecilia’s favorite film, “A star is born”. I thought it was about to the birth of Christ. Turns out it’s about Lady Gaga. How was your weekend sister?
Sister Cecelia: A hairdryer fell into the bathtub I was in it. I died for two minutes. Now, I’m questioning everything.
Sister Clarence: Moving on. Today’s lunch special is Tighty Joes. They’re like Sloppy Joes but they’re less messy. Sister Cecilia, what do we have for dessert?
Sister Cecelia: When I was dead, I didn’t see heaven.
Sister Clarence: Maybe it was just closed for Martin Luther King Day.
Sister Cecelia: No, it was a Saturday.
Sister Clarence: Moving on. Let’s go to a student question. This one comes from 11th grader, Katherine Cochran. Is the Easter Bunny Jesus’s pet or his boyfriend? Great question. And the answer is detention. Isn’t that right, Sister Cecilia?
Sister Cecelia: I’m going to have sex tonight.
Sister Clarence: No, you’re not. No you’re not. [There’s a TV graphic saying “I’m going to have sex tonight”.] Tina. Why would you put that in the graphics?
Tina: Sorry, mom. I mean, sister. Noooo.
Sister Cecelia: I’m going back to the dark place.
Sister Clarence: No, you’re not.
Sister Cecelia: Yes, I am. Come with me.
Sister Clarence: I can’t.
Sister Cecelia: Yes, you can.
Sister Clarence: I shan’t.
Sister Cecelia: You’ve done it before. You can do it again.
Sister Clarence: Moving on. We’re gonna carry on with our joke Monday. We have class clown and certified gas man, Christopher O’Malley. I can’t wait to see what he’s got today. Take it away, Christopher. Come on, Christopher. Here’s your moment. [Christopher is nervous] You literally begged me to do this. Remember the joke you said the other day? What do women be doing?
Sister Cecelia: Dying and say nothing.
Sister Clarence: No. Sister women be shopping.
Christopher O’Malley: Hey, you stole my Joke.
Sister Cecelia: The scaling is okay now, Christopher O’Malley, and so as margin 69-ing.
Sister Clarence: Sister!
Sister Cecelia: I want to try it.
Sister Clarence: No, you don’t.
Sister Cecelia: Yes, I do. And therapy. And laser tag.
Sister Clarence: Sister, get ahold yourself. You can’t let go to your faith.
Sister Cecelia: Why?
Sister Clarence: Because that means you’re letting go of me. And you’re my best friend. And I had it all planned out that after we died, we would go to heaven and hang out every day.
Sister Cecelia:There is still heaven.
Sister Clarence: See if you’re still saying that after you hear me sing some Lady Gaga. Tina track seven.
Tina: Right away, dad. Oh, that’s worse.
Sister Clarence: [singing] Tell me something, sis
Without God would we exist?
You’re stuck in no not
But I’ll still love you no matter what
Sister Cecelia: I’m off the deep end
here still with best friend
Sister Clarence: I’ll visit you in hell