Mother: All right, I put all the food away and now my kitchen is clean. Please nobody go in there and mess it up.
Daughter and Son: Yes, mom.
Mother: Now What are y’all watching?
Daughter: Some of dad’s old home movies.
Son: Wait, what’s going on?
Father: Hey, kids. It’s me daddy. If you’re watching this video, it means I’m already dead.
Daughter: Where’s dad?
Mother: He’s upstairs on the toilet. Where did you find this tape?
Father: I hid this tape in a box labeled big fish that I call so your mama wouldn’t watch it. There’s so much that I want to tell you kids that your mama don’t know.
Daughter: Maybe we should turn this off.
Mother: No, no, no. I want to hear this.
Father: Now, by now the lawyers have probably informed you that I am flat broke.
Mother: Broke? What the hell happened to our savings?
Father: I was too embarrassed to say anything. No man wants to have to tell his family, I blew my whole retirement on JB smoothes new sports betting app.
Son: Already? I just downloaded that for him last week.
Mother: [calling his husband] Walter get down here.
Daughter: No mom, we can’t let daddy know we saw this.
Father: And don’t worry about my funeral. I took care of everything. All you got to do is pay for it.
Daughter: Why would daddy make this video? Is he sick?
Father: Ain’t no telling what finally took me out. Could have been Rona, could have been because I drink a glass of water since 2003, could have been JB Smoove coming to collect.[flushing sound]
Son: That was the toilet.
Daughter: Dad must be coming down. Let’s turn this off.
Mother: That was only his first flush. We still got about Daughter0 minutes.
Father: Let’s see what else. What else. Also I got a secret daughter.
Mother: A secret daughter?
Daughter: Oh my god.
Father: It’s not how you think. I would never cheat on your mother raw. The truth is I was a sperm donor back in the day. But I never would have done that dad I known that they was gonna use that sperm to make babies.
Son: What did he think they were gonna use it for?
Father: And to my only son, Walter Jr., I want to apologize for passing down the erectile dysfunctions.
Son: What? I don’t have that.
Father: Now, you may not have it right now, but you definitely will. Because you are my son. That’s why I am leaving you my special pump. I even put some googly eyes on it so other’s won’t know what it is. It might not get you all the way there but trust me, it gets you closer.
Son: Can you fast forward past this point?
Father: Look, maybe I wasn’t the best dad or the best husband, but I want you kids to know that I tried my very best to write the greatest crime drama Hollywood has ever seen. It’s called Dallas City Bouncers.
Daughter: City Bouncers?
Mother: Oh God not this stupid movie.
Father: Open on windy Dallas night. Lone saxophone cries out in the distance. Camera reveals detective Rico Trumaine played by the brother from Django Unchained. What was his name?
Son: Jamie Foxx?
Father: You know, the main brother that play Ray.
Daughter: Jamie Foxx.
Father: He was on the Jamie Foxx show. He was the man.
Daughter and Son: Jamie Foxx.
Mother: You know, I can’t wait this man. Just fast forward past this movie idea.
Father: With the money from the DVD sales, you should be able to pay back JB Smoove once and for all.[shower sound]
Daughter: I think that’s the shower.
Mother: So we got more time. Hit play.
Father: As I was saying, I want you kids to give this important message to your mama for me. Baby when I met you, you were the smartest, most beautiful girl at the disco. And I was just some struggling backup singer for the commodores. I just want to tell you, I was never a backup singer for the commodore.
Mother: I can’t believe your father lied to me.
Son: I can’t believe he gave me the erectile dysfunction.
Father: Also baby, I have something that’s very valuable. It’s buried in a top secret location.
Mother: What is it?
Father: But before I tell you that, let me tell you about Dallas City Bouncers II, Rico’s Revenge.
Mother: Oh lord, just fast forward.
Father: It’s gonna be starring– What’s his name? He sings r&b too. You know who I’m talking about.