Mayor… Ego Nwodim
Herb Tangier… Oscar Isaac[The show Paw Patrol starts]
Male voice: Paw Patrol.
Mayor: As Mayor of Adventure Bay, I hereby present the Paw Oatrol with this medal of bravery for stopping that out of control hot air balloon. With you pups on patrol, our city is in good hands.
Puppy 1: Do you mean good paws?[All laughing]
Male voice: Enough is enough.[Cut to 2]
Herb Tangier: I’m City Councilman Herb Tangier. Mayor Goodway has put all our lives at risk with her paw patrol initiative, and I say it’s time to vote her out. This may have fired all of us that is police officers, firefighters and paramedics, and replace them with a group of six talking dogs. I think that was a bad idea. And I’m not alone. Listen to these concerns citizens.
Concerned citizen 1: I was excited about the paw patrol at first. Talking dogs who know how to fly jets and drives. Great. But it’s become clear that six dogs cannot protect a city roughly the size of San Diego.
Herb Tangier: Criminals and lowlifes are flocking here because they know there’s only one cop patrolling our streets, and it’s a dog.
Concerned citizen 2: And there’s only one firefighter, also a dog. So if there’s two fires at the same time, someone’s getting screwed I guess? Who is in charge of this organization? A child?
Herb Tangier: Yes! Paw Patrol is run by a 10 year old boy named Ryder. Who is this kid? Beats me. As far as we can tell, he has no parents and doesn’t go to school. But maybe, that’s for the best because with all of our tax dollars paid for all these cockapoos jetpacks, we now have the worst schools in the state. This is my 17 year old son. [his son walks in] He can barely read.
Son: I can read I just don’t know what sounds vowels make when they’re next to other letters in a line.
Herb Tangier: Mayor Goodway, this is your fault and you need to go.
Concerned citizen 1: Fact. Our city’s COVID response was a national disgrace. Why? Because six dogs were in charge of it.
Concerned citizen 2: Fact, chased the police dogs only weapon is a Net. Question. How is a Net going to help if a lunatic on bath salts is eating my face? Answer? It won’t.
Concerned citizen 3: Fact. Marshall, the fire dog is my favorite one. He’s the funniest pup by far and the coolest by a mile. But I don’t think you can carry me down a flight of stairs because you got no hands.
Herb Tangier: Fact, I also like Marshall the best. He’s super brave and his jokes never miss. But do we feel safe? No. Listen to this actual 911 call.
911: Paw Patrol and we’re ready to roll. This is Ryder. What’s your emergency?
Citizen: It’s my girlfriend man. She’s no waking up. Her eyes are rolled back. I think she’s OD’ing, man!
911: Ummm…… Please hold![Paw Patrol music playing. Then call ends.]
Herb Tangier: Unacceptable. And that’s not the only emergency this Paw Patrol has bungled. Just ask my sister.
Sister: I went into labor early. I was alone and call 911 for help and told them my water broke. So they sent Zuma, the water rescue dog to my home. He didn’t understand what was happening and sat there chewing on his upper body while I gave birth on my kitchen floor.
Herb Tangier: Disgraceful. But it gets worse.
Concerned citizen 2: Recently, my wife was in a terrible accident. And who came to break this earth shaking news to me and my children? A Bulldog in a hard hat. It midway through telling us, he started doing that scooting thing dogs do where they put their hind legs under them and drag their itchy ass across the floor. Enough is enough.
Herb Tangier: Mayor Goodway, the numbers don’t lie. 258 unsolved murders. 36 car jackings a day. 0 sex crime units in our police force because the Paw Patrol and their 10 year old boss don’t know what sex is. And one, one chance to take our city back by voting yes. To recall Mayor Goodway in next week special election. Let’s make our voice heard and get my wife out of office!