Porch Scene

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Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

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