Dot… Cecily Strong
Rhett… Mikey Day
Thomas Parker-Nubbs… Alex Moffat
Kevin Lickitt… Jerrod Carmichael
[Starts with Dot and Rhett in their set]
Dot: Hello, hello, ShopTV home shoppers. Dot and Rhett back live with y’all.
Rhett: Dot and Rhett? I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.
Dot: Are you gonna be a pill all hour?
Rhett: Maybe.
Dot: Okay, well, it’s 5pm which means it’s time for a squeal deals. [scary squeal sound] O’Dale! We asked y’all to find a new squeal sound effect weeks ago!
Rhett: Yeah, sounds like someone’s getting killed O’Dale.
Dot: Chillin, O’Dale!
Rhett: Need something light? Okay. Later in the hour. We love him. Here, Thomas Parker-Nubbs will unveil his new line of Christian lunchboxes.
[Cut to Thomas Parker-Nubbs]
Thomas Parker-Nubbs: The artwork features Jesus do and modern young person things. Oh, well, look at that. Is that Jesus got one of those Oculus VR do-dads?
Dot: Oh, kids are gonna flip.
[Cut back to Dot and Rhett. Now, Kevin Lickitt is with them with a doll.]
Rhett: Yeah, well, speaking of kids, our first squeal deal today is an adorable doll.
Dot: Was she gorgeous? And we have the designer here, Mr. Kevin. Now is it Lickitt?
Kevin Lickitt: Yes sir. My mamma always said we was named Lickitt because we so sweet.
Rhett: Aw, that’s adorable. Kind of made me sad though for some reason. I don’t know why. Now, tell us about this pretty lady here.
Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, this is Riley Rainbowlocks.
Dot: Get out. What a clever name.
Kevin Lickitt: Student by day and magical Popstar by night.
Dot: Oh, I love that.
Rhett: Perfect role model for little girls.
Dot: Or little boys. We’ll get in trouble if we don’t say that.
Kevin Lickitt: And here’s the best part. Your child can cut and style rallies rainbow locks however they wish. And when they want to give her a new-do, you just turn this little knob here in the back and our hair grows.
Rhett: Oh, wow.
Dot: Get out of town, that’s amazing.
Rhett: Now you can get this pretty lady for just $34.99.
Dot: Order within the hour and you get an additional outfit and two extra hair spools for free.
Rhett: Looks like shoppers are already scooping her up. Let’s go to the ShopTV phone lines. Hi caller.
Caller: Oh, my niece is going to love this doll. What extra outfit does she come with?
Kevin Lickitt: I’ll show you. By the way, Riley’s very easy to change. It’s all Velcro. Watch this here.
Rhett: Let’s change.
[Kevin Lickitt pulls out the doll’s dress. Her pubic part is also covered with rainbow hair.]
Caller: The hell! Why does that doll have a rainbow bush?
Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, no, no, no, that’s not a bush.
Caller: It sure looks like one to me. That’s a 1970s rainbow bush.
Kevin Lickitt: It’s not. That’s the end of the head spool inside through it. So you can see the span. It’s an anchor point. Any doll maker would know that.
Caller: Well, I’m not a doll maker so what I see is a thick ass vagi-afro. I will be canceling my order. Goodbye.
Kevin Lickitt: I didn’t make a vagi-afro.
Rhett: Y’all don’t need to keep saying that. Don’t keep saying vagi-afro.
Kevin Lickitt: You need it so the spool spins and the hair on the head will grow. It’s doll making Dot0Dot.
Rhett: Okay. Well, if you’re just joining us, this is not private hair.
Dot: It anchors the spool inside.
Rhett: Okay. O’Dale, we got a product image? Yeah, there you go. Throw that up while we put Riley’s outfit on.
Dot: You get Riley rainbow blocks for the ShopTV exclusive price of just $34.99.
Kevin Lickitt: And look who’s all dressed up and ready to hit the beach. [The doll is wearing a swimsuit, and the rainbow hair at pubic part is still showing] Riley is ready for summer with this retro one piece swimsuit.
Dot: You know what?
Rhett: Kevin, I’m gonna try and stick in some of this business.
Dot: No, do not do that. Stop it.
Rhett: It’s sticking in.
Dot: I know. But a grown man poking his fingers around the area.
Rhett: Well, he said the doll’s in college. It doesn’t matter.
Dot: It don’t matter she’s in college. You know what? Come on. Let’s cut away from this close, O’Dale! Well, okay. Let’s talk to some people who ordered a Riley Rainbowlocks.
Rhett: Caller, you’re on ShopTV.
Caller: This is a collect call from a federal corrections facility. Press one to accept this call from the Palmdale pervert.
Rhett: Hang up, O’Dale.
Dot: No, thank you. No, we do not accept that call.
Rhett: It is an icky icky call. In fact you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and put the other Riley we got here. Back up one with clothes on. Now Kevin, tell us what happens if rally runs out of hair from the spool inside. Can it be replaced?
Kevin Lickitt: Oh, it sure can. It’s very easy. Sometimes part replacement can be a little hairy.
Dot: Okay, look at you making little jokes.
Kevin Lickitt: Yeah. So you just push the quick release button here on the back to access it. [he bends over the doll and shows the hair on the doll’s butt.]
Rhett: Okay, now that’s kind of a yucky place to go to.
Kevin Lickitt: Yeah, it had to go here because it has to connect to the panel. Any doll maker would know that.
Dot: You keep saying that as if we’re all doll makers but we’re not, sweetie. You’re finished in there?
Kevin Lickitt: Sorry, the button’s stuck. Sometimes you just gotta wiggle it.
Rhett: Oh, pretty face is facing the camera. Let’s check those sale numbers. Item sold. [units sold has crossed fivethousand.] Oh my god. These are selling like hotcakes right now.
Kevin Lickitt: Sometimes it helps if you release the latch and pull the head at the same time.
Dot: No, no, no.
Rhett: Why would you? We can’t show that!
Dot: Oh no. We’re moving on.
Rhett: Come on, man.
Dot: After the break our next ShopTV squeal deal. [girl scream squeal sound]
Rhett: That’s a worse sound effect O’Dale.
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