Short Ass Movies

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Pete Davidson

Gunna

Chris Redd

Simon Rex

[Starts with Pete Davidson browsing movies on his TV]

Pete: These days, when I wanna sit down to watch a movie, I can find just about anything in the world. But night after night, there’s only one kinda movie I’m always looking for.

[rapping] And that’s a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like, at most, an hour-forty
Gimme that short-ass movie

Gunna: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause you know I ain’t gon’ sit here
And watch no long-ass movie

Pete: Found a flick, I’m ’bout to pick it
But right before I click it
I look down right below the line
And that’s when I see the runtime
Three hours forty-seven minutes?
Bro, you must be crazy
No thanks, I’mma watch a short-ass movie
like Driving Miss Daisy

Gunna: I’m not pushin’ “P” unless it’s under two hours
Like Lion King or Bad Moms or all three Austin Powers

Pete: I heard that Batman was great, so went to a theater and saw it
I pissed my pants twice, that s— was longer than The Hobbit

Gimme that short-ass movie
A 90-minute movie

Gunna: Like Liar Liar, Evil Dead,
Punch-Drunk Love, or Eraserhead

Pete: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause I’m a simple man
With no attention span

Chris: Gimme a short-ass movie like Bambi
Got to be tiny but good like shrimp scampi

Pete: And when it’s movie night, you won’t be gettin’ any yesses
If you roll up to the crib with one of them double VHSs

Gunna: Why this movie look like a book?

[Pete Davidson throws out the movie] Pete: Bye bye!

Gunna: I always keep it a hundred
Keep the runtime under a hundred

Chris: If my ass stuck on the couch for more than two hours
It cause me discomfort

Pete: We tried to watch the movie Heat
When we was hanging at my house
But barely 20 minutes in
My boys were drooling on the couch

The only one not sleeping is the weird guy who picked the movie

James: [watching the movie] I stand by my choice.

Pete: Gimme that short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like Encino Man, yes please
Or Good Time by the Safdies
A short- ass movie
A really short movie
If it’s long, my eyes get glassy
Now tell ’em how it is, Dirt Nasty

Simon Rex: Yo, it’s your boy Dirt
If you really like short movies
I got nine great ones just waitin’ for ya
There’s Ernest Goes to Camp and Ernest Saves Christmas
And Ernest Goes to Jail and Ernest Scared Stupid
There’s Ernest Goes to School, that’s only 89 minutes
And Slam Dunk Ernest

Pete: That one’s got Kareem in it

Simon Rex: There’s Ernest in the Army, made me wanna join the service
And Ernest Goes to Africa

Pete: That poster makes me nervous

Simon Rex: But the greatest thing of all, a true thing of beauty
Is the three minute short before every Pixar movie
[Everyone sobbing] Chris: It was so short but so sad.

Pete: Yo, so think about this: Sex and the City 2 was two hours and 26 minutes long. To put that in perspective, the movie Jurassic Park was two hours and seven minutes long. That was a movie that told the history of dinosaurs, how DNA works, and explained the science of bringing dinosaurs back to life. And Sex and the City 2 , y’know, which was a movie about four women we already knew, was 20 minutes longer. I’m not saying that’s bad or anything, I’m just saying that’s crazy s—, right?

Simon Rex: How long was “The King of Staten Island”?

Pete: Oh. It was, it was, like, two hours and 17 minutes, but we needed, we needed all those minutes.

All: Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Every night

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