Waiter… Michael Longfellow
Sue… Amy Schumer
Ego Nwodim
Heidi Gardner
[starts with a waiter serving three ladies]
Waiter: All right, so we have to house salads. And the matzah balls soup.
Sue: Oh, me, me. me. That’s for me.
Waiter: You guys go ahead and enjoy.
Sue: Thank you. I have been craving this soup. I can’t even tell you. It just like, brings me home.
Ego: Sounds amazing.
Sue: Yeah, well, you can’t have any. Ha-ha-ha. I’m kidding. But I’m not because like, I’ve been thinking about this soup like non stop. For real, I like woke up out of a dead sleep the other night just like thinking about this soup. Like, sat straight up, eyes wide open. It was like, “Matzah balls soup for Sue,” like a psycho. I’m so happy right now.
Heidi: So I guess I have some news.
Sue: Oh, what is it?
[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Heidi: Matt and I are separating.
Ego: Oh, no. What?
Sue: Oh, girly for real?
Heidi: Yeah, but I don’t want to run lunch. Just eat.
Sue: Yeah. Yeah, let’s eat and then talk. That feels great.
[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Ego: Of course we’re not going to eat. That is so sad.
Sue: Oh my god. I know. God. Thank you for telling us. And obviously let us know like how it works out. Yeah.
[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Heidi: He said he’s gonna take the kids.
Ego: My god, that monster. What a bastard.
Sue: Yeah. Oh, God. Well, you know what I say? Good riddance, right?
[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Ego: Good riddance to her kids? No, I don’t think so. We got to make a plan.
Heidi: I’m already talking to a lawyer. [phone vibrating] God, here he is now.
Sue: Oh good, you better take that call. Yeah, take as long as you need. Like, go outside.
[Sue is about to take her first sip of soup when…]
Heidi: [on the phone] What? No!
Sue: Now what?
Heidi: My lawyer got disbarred. My life is just such a mess right now. You don’t even know the half of it. Like I told you guys, I got that VP of marketing job. And it was total BS. [Sue is looking at other people at the restaurant enjoying their food] I never even applied for it. There’s all this other stuff too. Like, I’ve been drinking as soon as I wake up, and I steal my son’s Adderall and he really needs it.
[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]
Kenan: [singing] How long must I wait
to eat my soup without looking like an a hole?
It’s not that I don’t care about her,
but I care about my soup a little more.
My God, she’s still talking
but hey, at least she’s not crying
[she starts crying]
Never mind she just started crying
oh, but I have a great idea
if I pretend to take a drink of my water
I can take the straw and put it in my soup
this plan is pretty perfect
the Straw is hitting broth
and oh my god, she just asked me a question
Heidi: I mean, Sue, what would you do?
Sue: I think, yeah, you should go for it.
Ego: Represent herself in court? No.
Heidi: I don’t know what to do. Would you mind if I had a sip of your water? I finished mine.
[Kenan pops up at the side of Sue’s head in idea cloud]
Kenan: [singing] Damn, she’s taking my water
I better hide the straw in my shirt
but oh, what is this? She’s sobbing at last
her head in her hands,
can’t let this moment pass
gotta eat this soup
[Sue finishes her soup]
Heidi: I feel so much better. Thank you girls for letting me vent.
Sue: [with food in her mouth] Oh my god, every time for you girl.
Heidi: How’s your soup?
Sue: It is hotter than I thought. But I’m okay.
[Kenan is standing in front of the ladies now]
Kenan: [singing] Gotta eat this soup