Steve Martin and Martin Short Monologue

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Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin and Martin Short.

[Steve Martin and Martin Short walk in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good evening, everyone. I’m—

Steve Martin: And I’m Steve Martin.

Martin Short: And we’re so excited—

Steve Martin: And what a thrill it is for us to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

Martin Short: Steve, how many times have you hosted?

Steve Martin: Oh gosh, I haven’t really thought about it. Hit it.

[A counting video of Steve Martin plays which counts him hosting for 16 times]
[cheers and applause]

Martin Short: Wow.

Steve Martin: And how many times have you hosted Marty?

Martin Short: Hit it.

[Similar counting video plays, but it only counts to three]

Steve Martin: I’m kind of in a nostalgia mode. I want to show you one of my favorite photos from my early hosting years. [Cut to a black and white photo] That is me with John Belushi, Dan Ackroyd and Mick Jagger. And right after this photo was taken, we tested positive for everything.

Martin Short: You know, Steve, we are like Harry and Megan. No one’s rooting for us, but you’ll tune in to watch anyway. And what’s been so fabulous this week is getting to know the new cast. And Steve, honestly, I tell you, they love you.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Behind your back, the new cast referred to you as ‘a whole entertainer’.

Steve Martin: Oh, that’s sweet.

Martin Short: Well, I added the word ‘entertainer’.

Steve Martin: And I have to say that for me, working with Marty Short is like World Cup soccer. Somehow I just can’t get into it.

Martin Short: We are currently working on the third season of our Hulu series, ‘Only Murders In The Building’. Our show is like Steve at the urinal, it streams for 3Martin Short minutes.

Steve Martin: I know, this is kind of interesting. Every night before the show, Marty and I have a ritual we do to prepare for the evening’s performance. And we were doing it backstage. And I noticed that one of the backstage crew was videotaping us. And I thought, “You know what, that would be interesting to show the audience.” So here is Marty and I are getting ready for tonight’s show.

[Cut to a video of one guy kicking on another guy’s testicles as a martial art]

Martin Short: And can I say, Steve—

Steve Martin: Let them laugh.

Martin Short: Can I say truthfully that I adore working with you. And I just, I hope we can do this forever.

Steve Martin: Well, of course, I thought about that. But I realized you’re not going to live forever. And that is sad because you won’t be able to hear the wonderful things I’m going to say at your memorial. So I thought why wait? So what I did was I wrote up your eulogy, so you can hear it now.

Martin Short: Wow. That is such a coincidence because you know what? I did the same thing. I wrote your eulogy.

Steve Martin: Really?

Martin Short: Yes.

Steve Martin: Well, let’s read them together, shall we?

Martin Short: Why not?

Steve Martin: Could we have some— This is a sad moment. So could you play something sad for us please?

[sad music playing]

Martin Short: No, no, no. Not sad enough. Anything sadder?

[sad music playing]

Steve Martin: No, no no. Do you have something really, really sad?

[music playing and an innocent puppy’s picture appears on the screen]

So Marty, I dedicate this eulogy to you. Wow, not much of a turnout. Marty did not want to be cremated. Too late. But I’ll always be haunted by Marty’s last words, “Tesla Autopilot engage.”

Martin Short: There’s so many great things that I could say about Steve Martin. But this hardly seems the time nor the place. Oh, Steve, you blend overrated white haired son of a bitch. Where’d you go? I know Steve is looking down on us right now because he always looked down on everybody. And yes, I learned so much from Steve. For example, he taught me that you don’t need to restrict a urinal to just number one.

Steve Martin: Even at the end, Marty had a wonderful girlfriend. Smart, beautiful and so realistic. But Marty was always sexually active as long as there were batteries in the house. But Marty was taken away from us too soon, but sadly, not before he played Jack Frost in Santa Claus three.

Martin Short: Oh, Steve. Oh Steve, it’s so hard to look at you in that open casket. Motionless, colorless, stiff, so lifelike. And yet seeing you in your casket reminds me of that classic SNL sketch – ‘Dick in a box’. [cheers and applause] Thank you. The good news is with Steve gone, download should be so much faster on PornHub. People always ask me what Steve was really like, and I’d say, “I don’t know, you’re his wife.” And he was such a great dad. And you could tell that from his children, they’re so polite. You go to his house and they’d say “Would you like anything Mr. Short? Could I get you would drink Mr. Short? Can you give this note to the police Mr. Short?”

Steve Martin: Now that Marty is gone, who will I ever work with?

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena Gomez: What about me?

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Brandi Carlisle is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

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