The Looker


Carol… Amy Schumer

David… Marcello Hernandez

James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a mother talking to her son in the kitchen]

Carol: David, for the last time, you have to unpack your clothes. We moved in a month ago, honey.

David: I will, mom. I’ve just been busy.

Carol: Busy? AKA flirting with every girl in school. [to her husband] Honey, it’s everything okay?

James: I just found this letter. It slipped under our door. I don’t know. It’s strange.

Carol: What does it say?

James: Dearest new neighbors at 322 Oakridge Boulevard.

Male voice: [continuing the letter] Allow me to introduce myself. I am the looker. And I see everything you do.

Carol: Is this some kind of sick prank?

James: I don’t know Carol.

Male voice: I see you’re settling in nicely. Your daughter likes to write in her diary about the boy who mows the lawn. And your son has been hard at work practicing his guitar.

David: Dad, this is creeping me out.

Male voice: As for your wife, after everyone’s asleep, she goes to the kitchen and eat an entire second dinner.

Carol: What? That’s like, what?

Male voice: She eats it like a greedy panicked raccoon afraid of getting caught.

Carol: Okay.

James: As for you, daddy, dearest…

Male voice: I hope you enjoy your morning jogs around the neighborhood. I know your wife does. After you leave, she hits a snag, turns on the TV and pleasures herself to the Property Brothers.

Carol: Okay, that’s not ringing a bell.

James: But he knows about my jobs, Carol.

Chloe: My diary and David’s guitar.

Carol: I know. That’s why it’s so weird that all my stuff is clearly made up.

Male voice: Your life may seem perfect. But the looker knows it’s not. And your poor wife seems to be having trouble in the bathroom. I see her in there rocking back and forth, trying to make something happen.

Carol: You got this, bitch.

Male voice: Giving herself little pep talks.

Carol: Come on. Come on.

Male voice: She gets so frustrated, she’ll go downstairs and blow off steam with more Property Brothers. Why is she so aroused by that show? Is it the brothers or is it the property?

David: Oh my god, mom. Someone’s downloaded every episode of Property Brothers.

Carol: What?

Chloe: And they only watched five minutes of each one.

Carol: What the fring? So this weirdo snuck into our house and mess with the TV? Okay, now, I’m weirded out. Officially.

James: Then it says…

Male voice: Just today, the kids practiced a TikTok dance. Dad worried about his hairline. And mom was on her exercise bike.

Carol: Wait, that one’s real.

James: Oh, I wasn’t done.

Male voice: She doesn’t even pedal. Just sits on the bike and looks at her phone, but she still ends up drenched in sweat. And it’s back to the bathroom to do battle once again.

Carol: Why can’t I go?

James: Till next time. I’m watching.

Chloe: Okay, we need to go to the police.

Carol: And tell them that this guy is making up lies about just me.

James: We will. But I think it’d be safest if we stayed in a hotel for the night.

Carol: Well, one of us should stay, just to, you know, look out for the house. And I guess I’ll do it, since this guy’s got nothing on me.

[everyone leaves but Carol] [cut to Carol watching TV]

Female voice on TV: Coming up, it’s Demo Day.

Carol: [to the Looker] If you’re watching, it’s the property I’m into. Not the brothers.

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