Tombstone

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Host… Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Greg… Kenan Thompson

Curly Bill… Alex Moffat

Johnny Ringo… Andrew Dismukes

Wyatt Earp… Mikey Day

Doc Holliday… Jake Gyllenhaal

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Host in her set]

Host: Hello and welcome to Lights Camera at you, a look back at some of the sickest performances in film history. From Tom Hanks in Philadelphia to Tom Hanks’s girlfriend in Forrest Gump. Tonight we focus on the role of duck holiday, made famous by Val Kilmer in Tombstone. The Southern Gentleman cowboy who keeps his raging tuberculosis a secret. But did you know another actor played duck holiday even sicker just a year before? Take a look at this scene from the 1992 film “Cough Cough Bang Bang”.

[Cut to the scene. A guy enters a bar.]

Kyle: Well if it isn’t Earl, my favorite bar tender in the whole west. You got a free drink for your pal, don’t you Earl?

Greg: My name is Greg. And my god, that’s Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo. Their gang has been terrorizing the whole southwest.

[Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo walk in]

Curly Bill: Alright, listen up. We heard no law man by the name of Wyatt Earp is holed up in this here town.

Johnny Ringo: If you see him, tell him Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo want to pay our respects.

Curly Bill: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Wyatt Earp: [turns around from the bar booth] Well, you can tell me yourself.

Curly Bill: Well, well, Wyatt Earp. Where’s your little lap dog, Doc Holliday?

[Doc Holliday walks in]

Doc Holliday: Well, I do declare to be a lap dog and a yellow Billie chicken. [coughs huge amount of blood on his handkerchief]

Wyatt Earp: Are you okay there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Oh yeah, just have a little tickle in my throat, bunch of blood on my face and handkerchief. Which means I’m on the man. Now, if I’m not mistaken, you must be Curly Bill, which makes you the infamous Johnny Ringo. Word is you’re the fastest gun this side of the Mississippi. [starts coughing hard]

Wyatt Earp: Hey Doc, are you sure you should be out in public?

Doc Holliday: Of course not.

Wyatt Earp: You just seem like visibly sick.

Doc Holliday: Nonsense. It’s just allergies.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo]

Curly Bill: Come on, man. At least cover your mouth.

Doc Holliday: Why? Are you afraid something witty might come out and make your brain actually work for change?

Wyatt Earp: No, man. He’s worried about catching whatever insane illness you have. Sweat is pouring down your face, man.

Doc Holliday: That’s ridiculous. I have a normal body temperature of 108. [farts hard] Now can I interest any of you gentlemen in a game of cards?

Kyle: Thank you got some kind of intestinal issue there, Doc?

Doc Holliday: Some mixed nuts ought to settle my stomach.

Greg: Hey, stop touching the nuts.

Doc Holliday: I told you, I am not contagious. It’s just a case of the sniffles.

[Doc Holliday coughs so hard that his blood is spilled all over Curly Bill and Johnny Ringo again]

Johnny Ringo: What the hell, dude?

Wyatt Earp: Dude, do you have ebola?

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Hey there, Doc. Ready for round two?

Greg: Round two? You slept with patient zero over here?

Chloe: I think he’s just sweating because I got them all worked up.

Doc Holliday: I confess I’m feeling a stern in my britches, which means I’m either aroused or I need to change my diaper again.

Wyatt Earp: You’re wearing diapers now?

Doc Holliday: My doctor said a lot of 30 year olds wear diapers. Did anyone else see that roll snake at the cookout last week?

Greg: All right. Get the hell out of here. Coming in here with a snake flu, drinking from my cups and having sex with my white daughter?

Johnny Ringo: You know what? I’m gonna end Doc Holliday’s life right now before god gets the satisfaction.

Doc Holliday: Well then, I might as well have one last drink. Earl, You got any orange pedialyte?

Greg: This ain’t no CVS.

Doc Holliday: Fine. Then let’s see who’s really the fastest gun in the West. One… two… [farts hard] … three!

[Johnny Ringo shoots Doc Holliday]

Wyatt Earp: I can’t believe it. You killed Doc Holliday! I mean, I guess it was more like euthanasia.

Greg: Well, yeah. That’s cuz Doc didn’t have a gun. He just pulled out a bottle of pills labelled Valtrex.

Chloe: Oh my god, he had herpes too?

Doc Holliday: On the bright side, you’ll always have something to remember me by.

[Cut back to Host]

Host: I liked it. For Lights Camera at you, I prefer to remain anonymous. Goodnight.

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