Weekend Update: Colin’s Great Aunt Pat on Holiday Etiquette

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Colin Jost

Pat… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Christmas is next week and we’re going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great aunt Pat.

[Pat slides in]
[cheers and applause]

Hi, aunt Pat.

Pat: Hi, honey. You look dashing as ever. And my, how it’s nice to be back on Update.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah. Well, except you’ve never been here before.

Pat: Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m I’m so sorry. Welcome back to Update.

Pat: Thank you. Thank you. Now Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together. You know that you didn’t even greet me correctly

Colin Jost: I didn’t?

Pat: No. See at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with kiss on the lips.

Colin Jost: And why the lips?

Pat: Manners, Colin.

[Pat leans forward and Colin kisses her lips]
[cheers and applause]

Pat: My apologies, miss Scarlett. I’m your aunt, boy. I’m gonna need a drink after that. Where’s my butler? Mikey Day. Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in wearing a suit]

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Colin Jost: Wait, Mikey, you’re butlering for my Aunt Pat?

Mikey: Yeah, I’m like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. What can I get for you Pat?

Pat: I’ll take a slow gin juice.

Mikey: Okay.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Slow gin juice?

Pat: Yeah, slow gin juice from Jessebelle berry.

Colin Jost: What?

[Mikey brings her drink in]

Pat: Thank you, Mikey Day. [tips Mikey] And that will be all, Mikey Day.

Mikey: Okay.

[Pat pats on Mikey’s penis]

Pat: That’ll be all, Mikey Day. That’ll be all. You can go. That’ll be all. He worked for it. He worked for it.

Colin Jost: Aunt pat. Did you just tap his crotch?

Pat: What? You mean a bouf on the gooch? Gatsby loved to be greeted with a bouf on the gooch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?

Pat: Colin? I just saw on your monitor, my slow gin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in with a lipstick]

Mikey: Here you are, Pat.

Pat: No, remember? How I taught you? You apply it to your lips and then you put your lips on to mine.

Colin Jost: Mikey, really you don’t have to do this.

Pat: Manners, Colin. Manners.

Mikey: Oh, it’s like, breaking apart.

Pat: No, that’s okay. Come on, Mikey Day. Alright, Mikey Day. Alright.

[Mikey puts the lipstick on and rubs his lips on Pat’s lips.]

Oh, looks like we both ate smoked salmon for dinner. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you, Mikey day. [tips Mikey]

Mikey: Thank you.

Colin Jost: You only gave him $Colin Jost?

Pat: [patting on Mikey’s penis] That’ll be all, Mikey Day. Thank you so much. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. Mikey! Thank you. That’ll be all.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. It seems like you just want to kiss and fondo movie stars.

Pat: Colin. Movie stars? You boys aren’t movie stars. You’re TV Muppets.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, you’re out of control.

Pat: Oh no. I’m staying in here because I have a gift for you. Mikey Day!

Colin Jost: Okay, Mikey.

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Pat: I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.

[Mikey Day puts lipstick on his lips and is walking near Colin]

Colin Jost: No, it’s okay. I put on a little… I put on a little lipstick before it came out. You don’t need to… You don’t need to do that. [Mikey is leaning towards Colin] That’s okay. [Mikey touches Colin’s lips with his]

Pat: Oh, yes.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Pat: Yes. I’m having a slow gin juice of my own. Okay, me now. [Mikey Day puts his lips on Pat’s lips] Alright. Okay. Thank you, Mikey Day. [pats on Mikey’s penis] You can run along now.

Colin Jost: My great aunt Pat, everyone.

Pat: I’m reoccurring. I’m reoccurring.

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