Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a red moon and Calendar marked on 13th of May at left top corner.]
Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is a super Blood Moon. And according to the most annoying person you know, Mercury is in retrograde. Is it me or does every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? “The year is 2022. A virus rages across the planet. Digital money has collapsed. Infants have nothing to eat. Women are forced to breed. Men are ready to die for gasoline. And we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe.”
Crypto currency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value. And now it has to legally change its name to bit o’ coin. In fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars. But don’t worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula. [picture changes to empty stacks at supermarket.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an empty shelf at a supermarket at left top corner.]
Michael Che: You know, this baby formula shortage is scary. I mean, babies are very sensitive. You can’t just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.[Picture changes to the Capitol building]
The January 6 committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican Congressman after they refuse to testify voluntarily. Say the Republican congressmen, “You can’t force us to do anything. We’re not pregnant.”
Colin Jost Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise, it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amazon logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. The only catch is you got to do it during the eight minute lunch break.[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]
There is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin’s health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket Across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets him hard as hell.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Trump hotel sold for reported $375 million” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC has been sold for a reported $375 million. “Well, I wouldn’t say reported”, said the IRS.[picture changes to a news article that says “Rock Star escapes as delivery worker”]
A member of the punk rock group Pussy Riot, which has long protested Vladimir Putin revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from DoorDash.[picture changes to a Doordash notification that says “Pussy is on the way!”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of iPod touch at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its iPod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them.
Colin Jost: New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday’s Wordle, which was Fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. Tough news for psychos whose first word of guests is always “Fetus”.