Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of USA map at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new report shows that about 6 million Americans now identify as Afro Latino. Afro Latina was also what spirit Halloween calls the unlicensed Bruno Mars costume.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of empire state building at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. The terrifying science read simply “Entering New Jersey.”[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Dolly Parton, Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon at right top corner]
Michael Che: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon, which begs the question what is rock and roll?[picture changes to Jackie Robinson at right top corner.]
A bat used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. The bat is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it in an all star game and also to get back to his car safely.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Quantas flight logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Quantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced the new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cave at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old drawings in a cave in Alabama and guys, they’re bad. Really bad drawings.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Lawmaker watches porn in house chamber” at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: A British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of Parliament, which seems pretty tame considering our congress allows full penetration. [changes to picture from Capitol riot] Colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650 yays to one “oh my god yay”.
Michael Che: Oh, Colin. A 220 carat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow. 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? Kid’s huge.[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of an article that says “Woman in penis costume stabbed”]
Colin Jost: Happy Mother’s Day. A woman in a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. The woman says she’s still throbbing in her head feels like it’s ready to explode.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Guinness World record logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The record for the world’s oldest dog has been broken by a 21 year old Chihuahua named Timothy Charlemagne. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.