Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]
In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the US for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. It was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture from red Square Celebration at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. Say what you will but gigs a gig.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The US embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately. “Oh, cool. I’ll try to do that said” Brittney Griner.
Michael Che: Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week and Governor Ron DeSantis called it a 500 year flooding event. In fact, it’s such a historic tragedy that DeSantis won’t let them teach about it in Florida schools.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: At White House event, President Biden asked if representative Jackie Walorski was in the audience, asking “Where’s Jackie,” apparently forgetting she died last month. Worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. [picture changes to Kamala Harris] [Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ted Cruz at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a Senate committee except for Ted Cruz. Coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s piacture of Ginni Thomas and her husband at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Ginni Thomas, who’s begging you to notice the scarf, said she can say, “Oh, this old thing?” Reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement and challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discuss any case before the court. And if there’s one thing I believe, is that this guy doesn’t talk to his wife.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. He officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split while she blamed the Jews.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: President Biden on Friday attended a formal ceremony welcoming justice Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court. Said Biden, “And where’s Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here.”