Abby the Ex-Girlfriend

Abby… Heidi Gardner

Graham… Travis Kelce

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Ego: Okay, that movie was wild.

Abby: Yeah, Paddington three was not what I expected.

Sarah: That was cocaine bear.

Abby: Okay, see? I was so worried about Paddington.

Sarah: Shoot, Abby, Graham is here.

Ego: Abby, we can totally leave.

Abby: Look out. It’s been three years. I can be around my ex. I’m totally cool.

[Abby walks to her ex]

Hey, stranger. How are you, Bubba?

Graham: Abby. Hey, it’s it’s been a minute. What’s new?

Abby: I’m actually in the best place I’ve been in a long time. Yeah, I’m with someone new and life is pretty rad. How have you been? You look like hell. Just kidding. Just kidding. You look awesome.

Graham: Yeah, I’ve been good. Working out a lot. Oh, hey, thanks for paying me back about my car getting fixed.

Abby: Yeah, sorry. I do that kettlebell through your windshield. I had a lot to process, but now I can look at you with no attachment. And I think that’s pretty freakin rad.

Madison: Sorry, babe. The line for the bathroom was crazy.

Graham: Madison, this is Abby.

Madison: Oh, hi.

Abby: Oh, you two are together? Well, congrats. You got yourself a stunning girlfriend.

Graham: This is my fiance.

Abby: Your fiance?

[Abby’s eye starts tearing like it’s squirting]

Graham: Abby, are you crying?

Abby: No. Remember, I just had that thing with my eyes where I had to poke it up?

Graham: I don’t, but if you say so.

Abby: Yeah. So how did you two meet?

Graham: We met on a little cruise.

Madison: Well, it wasn’t a cruise for me. I’m a bosun on Below Deck.

Abby: Okay, that’s my dream job.

Graham: Abby, are you okay?

Abby: Yeah, no, I’m fine. It’s that eye thing again. I’m fine. I might just have to hold them. You guys can kiss if you want. I don’t give a rat’s ass.

Graham: We’re really not trying to kiss this moment.

Madison: So how do you guys know each other?

Abby: Oh my god, girl. How long do you have?

Graham: Abby and I went on one date in 2019.

Abby: Okay, excuse me, we went on three dates. It was dinner and movie and a walk.

Graham: The walk was from dinner to the movie. The whole thing was like two hours.

Abby: Okay, regardless, Graham and I have history. But now I think we’re killing this friends thing, Bubba.

Madison: Well, we’re moving next month, but you’ll have to come visit us if you’re ever in New Orleans.

Abby: Where the Saints Go marching.

Graham: Oh my god. Abby, do you need a tissue?

Abby: No. Because these are happy tears.

Madison: I mean, you know, we’re really happy too. It feels like a great place to raise a kid.

Abby: You’re pregnant? Yes!

Madison: Yes, we’re doing August, but maybe we should talk about something else. I’m starting to feel bad.

Graham: You shouldn’t. It was one date.

Abby: Okay, look. Okay. None of that matters now because like I said, I am in a relationship and it’s so good. He’s a little bit older and he’s totally ripped.

Graham: Abby, that’s great for you. I’m happy.

[Jason Kelce walks in and hugs Abby]

Jason: Hey, Baba, sorry, I’m late. Is this guy bothering you? Do you need me to beat him up? Cuz I definitely could.

Graham: Wait, that’s your boyfriend?  It’s totally cool. [Graham starts becoming teary] Oh my god. It’s totally cool. Oh my god.

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