Beautiful Gym


Male voice: And now, two men speak in the most beautiful gym in the world.

[Woody and Bowen are wearing suits, but they’re carrying weights]

Bowen: Hello, mind if I use my kettlebells next to you?

Woody: Only if you’ll spot me.

Bowen: I already did, from across the room.

Woody: I like your suit. I always thought I was the only one here who wore one.

Bowen: Well, I’m coming from a wedding.

Woody: Whose?

Bowen: My own. Her name is Ashley or something.

Woody: She sounds beautiful.

Bowen: Well, she looks ugly. She has a face for a KN95. That’s why I come here to escape.

Woody: Me too. And the music exhilarates me, so can we turn it up, Morris?

[Morris is playing piano]

Morris: Of course, sir.

Woody: That’s beautiful. What is that your playing?

Morris: A big piano, sir.

Woody: I thought so.

Bowen: So, is it leg day?

Woody: I don’t know. I don’t celebrate that in my culture.

Bowen: Of course. Well, it’s a cheat day for me.

Woody: Does that mean-

Bowen: I’m allowed to commit adultery. Yes.

Woody: I should tell you, I’m also married.

Bowen: Yes. I think our wives know each other from that lesbian relationship they’re in.

Woody: That’s right. How do you feel about that?

Bowen: I think it’s disgusting. One pair of boobies is bad enough. Say, do you have a favorite machine?

Woody: I like the one that makes the toast.

Bowen: I meant one at the gym.

Woody: Oh. I guess it’s a tie between the cobblestone treadmill and the stationary Vespa.

Bowen: This gym is so classy, it should be called James. Now excuse me, I’m going to use the rowing machine.

Woody: Boat rhymes with float. Coincidence? I think note. Wow, look at you go, girl.

Bowen: Thanks for noticing. I’ve really been going beast mode lately. And that I keep a beautiful rose under a bell drum.

Woody: Oh course. Oh shoot, I forgot my protein powder.

Bowen: I brought some.

Woody: Ah, may I borrow?

Bowen: Of course. How do you take it?

Woody: Here and here. [Bowen puts protein powder on Woody like putting on makeup] Good. Thank you. Are going to wipe the machine?

Bowen: Wipe? Why? Did it doo doo?

Woody: Did it doo doo? Ha-ha-ha-ha. That sounds like Morse code.

Bowen: Well, I was in the Army. BTS.

Woody: And I was in the Navy, Rihanna.

Bowen: I’ve never actually used that machine before. But I like how there’s a poster that shows you how to do the exercise.

[the poster shows two guys hugging]

Woody: Ah! It looks like two fellows exploring each other’s bodies.

Bowen: It’s helpful either way. You know, this place can be so sensual. Look, my gym crush over there.

[There’s a very old person there.]

Old guy: I see you.

Woody: What a hunk. This gym really is a place for everyone. Roid boys, yoga girls, gym rats.

Bowen: Look, there’s a gym rat over there. [There’s a rat carrying a dumbbell]  Wow, what a great day at the most beautiful gym in the world. I’m beginning to think I’ve made a new best friend.

Woody: As have I, friend. Now shall we get back to our workout?

Bowen: Great idea. There’s nothing like a good old stretch. Oh no, I tore my ACL.

Woody: What does that stand for?

Bowen: My ass crack and legs.

Woody: Oh no, then I think we’ve done enough for today. We’ve already worked the most important muscle.

Bowen: The pictorials?

Woody: Close. The heart.

Male voice: This has been Two men speak in the most beautiful gym in the world.

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