Male voice: If you’re over 45 that means it’s time to start screening for colon cancer. And there’s no easier way to do it than with Cologuard. The simple, efficient box delivered straight to your doorstep.

[Cologuard rings the bell. Woody walks out of the door.]

Woody: Oh, hello. Can I help you?

Cologuard: Hi, I’m Cologuard, a non invasive way to screen for colon cancer at home.

Woody: Oh, yeah, my doctor ordered you.

Cologuard: That’s right, because I’m safe, easy to use, and I find 92% of colon cancers.

Woody: Okay, cool. How’s it work?

Cologuard: I just need to collect a sample. So open me up and you know, go inside me.

Woody: Inside you?

Cologuard: Yeah, just go inside me. It’s okay. I like it.

Woody: Are you looking at me like that while I do it?

Cologuard: Sure. I’m just smiling because I love my job. And I love what you’re about to do to me.

Woody: Yeah. Well, I love that you have a face and a little mouth.

Cologuard: And a name. I’m Thomas.

Woody: Why do I hate knowing that?

Cologuard: Come on. It’s fun for both of us. You get the satisfaction of knowing you’re doing everything you can to protect the health of your colon. And I get another kind of satisfaction. So go ahead. Unload in me.

Woody: Why is the UPS guy watching?

[Delivery guy is watching him and smiling]

Cologuard: He’s just waiting to collect a sample after you’re done.

Kenan: Yeah. So go ahead. Unleash.

Woody: Man, I really don’t feel comfortable doing this in front of you guys.

Female Cologuard: Would you feel more comfortable going in me? Unloading on a little woman like me? Would that make you feel like a real man?

Woody: Oh, my God. No. I just wanted to screen for colon cancer.

Female Cologuard: Then go ahead. Destroy me daddy. Blow my box open.

Kenan: Yeah, I wanna see you blow that box wide open.

Woody: This is sick.

Cologuard: Yeah, but not sick from colon cancer. So come on. Just go inside her, then pass the super warm box to the UPS guy.

Kenan: Get that box nice and warm before you hand it back to me.

Cologuard: I’ll even close my eyes while you do it.

Woody: I see you peeking. [there are many Cologuards walking to Woody] Oh my god. Wait, how many of you are there?

Cologuard: It’s okay. We’re just here to watch.

Female Cologuard: We’re friendly like minions. So go ahead and unleash.

Woody: Stop saying unleash.

Cologuard: Would it helps if you knew their names?

Woody: No.

Cologuard: That’s Kylie, Victor, Neil and Shevat.

Cologuard: We can’t wait to see you unleash.

Woody: You know what? I’m actually good. I just remembered that I screened for colon cancer last year. So…

Cologuard: bAnd you wouldn’t be lying to us, right?

Woody: Oh, no, of course not.

Female Cologuard: Because we can also detect liars.

[A female cologuard pulls out a knife]

Female Cologuard: Now, drop your pants, blow out his box and this will all be over.

Kenan: Just do what the little boxes say to do.

Woody: I’ll give you what you want. Just please don’t kill me.

Neighbor Heidi: Man, is Woody okay?

[The boxes aren’t moving in real. Woody is hallucinating.]

Neighbor Andrew: I know he smokes a ton of weed, but really starting to worry about him.

[Woody stars opening his pants]

Neighbor Heidi: All right, let’s head inside. Give him some privacy.

Neighbor Andrew: Actually. I’m gonna stay. I’m gonna watch him unleash.

Cologuard: Cologuard, go ahead. We like it.

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