Dad… James Austin Johnson
Mom… Mom Nwodim
Sucre… Travis Kelce
Dad: Thanks for making the trip kids.
Chloe: Well, when you said it was an emergency, we flew in right away.
Marcello: Yeah, you’re kind of freaking us out. Are you guys okay?
Mom: Oh, we are better than okay.
Dad: Look, the truth is we had a hard time figuring out how to break the news.
Mom: That’s what the song is for.
Devon: The song?
Dad: I’m sure you all have a lot of questions, but don’t worry, the song will explain everything.[music playing] [Dad and go hold mics]
Dad: [singing] When I think about love
I’m so grateful for the times we have
Mom: A beautiful house
our wonderful children
1000 memories good and bad
Dad: But we’ve been drifted apart from one another
even though we still love each other
but now she’s given our bed to another
but I’m cool with it and watch…
I watch from the corner
Devon: Wait, mom, you’re cheating on Dad?
Mom: God no. Didn’t you hear the part where he said he’s cool with it?
Dad: Yeah, I believe my exact words were I’m cool with it and I watch. I watch from the corner.
Marcello: So who’s the other man?
Chloe: I don’t know. But I would guess it’s the guy sitting in dad’s chair playing Streets of Rage II.
Sucre: What up?
Marcello: God, I’m so confused right now.
Mom: Oh, well I’m so glad you said that.
Dad: Because the next part of the song will explain everything.[music playing]
Mom: His name is Sucre and he’s a felon
he explored my whole body like Magellan
he plays Streets of Rage II and then he pleasures me in bed
Dad: And I’m cool with it and I watch…
I watch from the corner
Chloe: I don’t understand why you’re so pumped about watching from the corner.
Devon: Yeah, and I’m sorry. His name is Sucre?
Sucre: Yeah, Sucre Willadauski.
Chloe: Well, what? You’re in a throttle now with a guy named Suecre Willadauski?
Sucre: Damn, you guys are being mad annoying right now. How many times your parents have to say this? The next part of the song will explain everything.
Dad: Thank you, Sucre.
Sucre: And by the way, I’m not happy that I just had to stop just now. You distracting me so badly that a guy with a mohawk just punched me and my health window.
Dad: I think you guys should apologize to Sucre about the mohawk guy.
Devon: No, I’m not apologizing to Sucre. You got to tell us what’s actually happening.
Mom: Well, we’re trying to but you keep interrupting.
Sucre: The next part of the song really tpills things out.
Devon: Yo, spelling of your name was not the part we were confused about.
Sucre: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Dad: Yes, Sucre.
Sucre: How are these three kids yours?
Mom: I was on top for him. [for Devon]
Dad: Yeah. And I was on top for her. [for chloe]
Mom: Then we did it on the side one time and he came out. [for Marcello Hernandez]
Marcello: That’s not how it works.
Chloe: Okay, you guys are adults. You can do what you want. I just want to make sure that you didn’t touch the grandkids college funds.
Dad: Of course, we go over that in this next part.[music playing]
Mom: The money’s all gone now.
Devon: Wait, you gave all the college money to Sucre?
Dad: Sucre this, Sucre that. What do you think of the guitar solo?
Devon: This a nightmare.
Sucre: Guys, I know this is a lot to take in. But I have some good news. I just be Streets of Rage II. This is the best day of my life.
Mom: Also, I’m not 100% sure, but I’m almost positive I’m pregnant.
Dad: And watch from the corner.