Mama’s Funeral


Travis: I’m very honored to be here today, as we fondly remember mother, grandmother and lover, Miss Glenda. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Dylan. I was Glenda’s nurse and we had an intimate loving relationship in her final months.

Kenan: Wait. Mama started dating him?

Punkie: Well, good for you, Mama. That man is a fine.

Travis: I know how important Glenda was to you all, so I organized and funded this home going service in her honor. Now if you knew Glenda, you knew she was a free spirit.

Kenan: Yeah, what do you mean by that?

Travis: So I thought she would be laid to rest how we all knew her. Tada.

[Travis pulls the curtain. Glenda is there with a cigarette in her hips and bottle of soda in her hand.]

Kenan: What the hell is this?

Punkie: This white boy got our dead mama sitting up.

Travis: Yes, yes, I do. Shades on, world out, puffing on the menthol. That’s my Glinda.

Devon: How could you do this to her? She looks crazy.

Punkie: Well, at least he got it in a nice shirt.

Travis: Um-hmm, that’s Glenda. Little mom always Boolean. You know what hit different when they in the nightgown. Now, I’d like to open the floor to friends and family so they can share a few words in Glinda’s memory.

Kenan: Alright ,yeah. You know what? I’m not gonna let Vanillasaurus Rex over here ruin my mom a funeral. She was a good mama. Taught me everything I knew. She was strong.

[Travis is slurping soda from Glenda’s hand]

Stop it! She had a smile for every stranger and a story for every occasion. I swear, it’s like I can almost hear her voice now.

[Travis play a recording of Glenda]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.

Kenan: Hold on, that the-

Glenda’s recording: Don’t you embarrass me in front of these white people.

Travis: Don’t, right? They rigged her up, put a speaker in her. And all of her favorite sayings are right there.

Glenda’s recording: JJ acted stuck up because he got that small headed white girlfriend with him.

Sarah: Me? My head isn’t small.

Devon: Wait, you programmed her to say that?

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you let- let- let-

Travis: Oh, she’s stuck. I got this.

[Travis blows on her head]

Glenda’s recording: Letting all the good air out.

Kenan: Hey, man. You just blowed on my mama head like she was a Nintendo cartridge?

Travis: Let’s just move on. Glenda didn’t want this to be a sad service. DJ Roscoe, hit it.

[music playing] [Glenda’s body is also dancing a bit]

Go ahead, Ms. Glenda. With your bad self.

Devon: Yo, you put hydraulics on my grandma?

Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you?

Travis: Hey, I spent $30,000 on this. And that’s every penny that she had. And I’ll be damned if I spend it in vain. Now y’all are gonna sit back and watch your mama go to heaven.

[Glenda’s chair starts throwing smoke like a rocket]

Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.

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