Travis: I’m very honored to be here today, as we fondly remember mother, grandmother and lover, Miss Glenda. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Dylan. I was Glenda’s nurse and we had an intimate loving relationship in her final months.
Kenan: Wait. Mama started dating him?
Punkie: Well, good for you, Mama. That man is a fine.
Travis: I know how important Glenda was to you all, so I organized and funded this home going service in her honor. Now if you knew Glenda, you knew she was a free spirit.
Kenan: Yeah, what do you mean by that?
Travis: So I thought she would be laid to rest how we all knew her. Tada.
[Travis pulls the curtain. Glenda is there with a cigarette in her hips and bottle of soda in her hand.]
Kenan: What the hell is this?
Punkie: This white boy got our dead mama sitting up.
Travis: Yes, yes, I do. Shades on, world out, puffing on the menthol. That’s my Glinda.
Devon: How could you do this to her? She looks crazy.
Punkie: Well, at least he got it in a nice shirt.
Travis: Um-hmm, that’s Glenda. Little mom always Boolean. You know what hit different when they in the nightgown. Now, I’d like to open the floor to friends and family so they can share a few words in Glinda’s memory.
Kenan: Alright ,yeah. You know what? I’m not gonna let Vanillasaurus Rex over here ruin my mom a funeral. She was a good mama. Taught me everything I knew. She was strong.
[Travis is slurping soda from Glenda’s hand]
Stop it! She had a smile for every stranger and a story for every occasion. I swear, it’s like I can almost hear her voice now.
[Travis play a recording of Glenda]
Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.
Kenan: Hold on, that the-
Glenda’s recording: Don’t you embarrass me in front of these white people.
Travis: Don’t, right? They rigged her up, put a speaker in her. And all of her favorite sayings are right there.
Glenda’s recording: JJ acted stuck up because he got that small headed white girlfriend with him.
Sarah: Me? My head isn’t small.
Devon: Wait, you programmed her to say that?
Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you let- let- let-
Travis: Oh, she’s stuck. I got this.
[Travis blows on her head]
Glenda’s recording: Letting all the good air out.
Kenan: Hey, man. You just blowed on my mama head like she was a Nintendo cartridge?
Travis: Let’s just move on. Glenda didn’t want this to be a sad service. DJ Roscoe, hit it.
[music playing]
[Glenda’s body is also dancing a bit]
Go ahead, Ms. Glenda. With your bad self.
Devon: Yo, you put hydraulics on my grandma?
Kenan: What the hell is wrong with you?
Travis: Hey, I spent $30,000 on this. And that’s every penny that she had. And I’ll be damned if I spend it in vain. Now y’all are gonna sit back and watch your mama go to heaven.
[Glenda’s chair starts throwing smoke like a rocket]
Glenda’s recording: Close that door, you’re letting out the good air.
Next time I read a blog, Hopefully it doesn’t disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, nonetheless I actually believed you’d have something helpful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something that you could possibly fix if you were not too busy searching for attention.
You are so cool! I don’t suppose I have read a single thing like this before. So great to find another person with some unique thoughts on this subject. Really.. thanks for starting this up. This website is one thing that’s needed on the web, someone with some originality!