Michael B. Jordan Monologue


Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael B. Jordan.

[Michael B. Jordan walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Michael B. Jordan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be here. My name is Michael B. Jordan. But tonight, Michael B hosting. Michael B joking. And honestly, Michael B nervous. Michael B vulnerable. But don’t worry, Michael B alright. Because Michael B in therapy.

It’s been a great week here in SNL. Yesterday, I had a crazy full circle moment. We pre shot some videos for the show. And when I got to the studio, I realized it was the exact same place where I shot one of my first acting roles on the soap opera “All my children”. I was 16 years old. Here’s a clip.

[Cut to old video clip]

Michael B. Jordan: I told you in the beginning that you set the pace.

Female actress: So you’re not mad?

Michael B. Jordan: No. Most of the times, the animal and me just kiss kind of crazy. [howling] [cut back to SNL stage]

Michael B. Jordan: Pretty sure I hit puberty mid how. That was 2003. And now 20 years later, I just directed my very first movie Creed III. Right after that, I went through my very  first public breakup. Now most people after a breakup are like, “I’m gonna get in better shape.” But I was already in Creed shape. So I had to be like, “Alright, I guess I’ll learn a new language.” Anyway, [foreign language]. After the break up, everyone thought I was so heartbroken because when the news came out, I was at a basketball game and they caught me looking like this. [picture of him at a basketball game appears] Look, I was just chilling, but the internet decided that that was me being sad. Luckily for me, if you Google sad Michael Jordan, the first 8000 results are this. [picture of Michael Jordan crying appears] [Chloe Fineman walks in laughing]

Chloe Fineman: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey Michael.

Michael B. Jordan: What’s up, Chloe?

Chloe Fineman: I know you’re single, but did you know that I’m single?

Michael B. Jordan: But don’t date that hot writer?

Chloe Fineman: Not if you’re available. Hey, could you remind me how to spell your number?

[Heidi Gardner jumps in]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Chloe, don’t you have to go away?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, I’m sorry, bitch.

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Mikey B. Mind if I call you Mikey B?

Michael B. Jordan: I’d rather you not.

Heidi Gardner: Ou, a man who knows what he wants. I like that. You know, I have a Creed poster in my bedroom.

Michael B. Jordan: Oh, nice. I always dreamed of people having my own poster up on the wall.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. Wall, ceiling, printed onto a body pillow, whatever.

[Ego Nwodim jumps in wearing a wedding dress]

Ego Nwodim: Excuse me. Gone bitch. Hey, Michael. I didn’t even know you were out here.

Michael B. Jordan: You didn’t know I’d be on stage delivering my own monologue?

Ego Nwodim: Sorry, I was just taking a walk around the studio and I just threw on. On my god, is this a wedding dress? I guess we could technically get married right now then.  Huh?

Michael B. Jordan: That’s not how that works.

Ego Nwodim: Aww, our first fight. Should we have a makeup sex?

Michael B. Jordan: That ain’t gonna happen.

Ego Nwodim: Fine, Michael.

[Punkie Johnson walks in]

Punkie Johnson: Michael, Michael, Michael. Boy, you looking fine as ever as always.

Michael B. Jordan: What you doing, Punkie?

Punkie Johnson: I got the same suit like you got.

Michael B. Jordan: Come on, come on. Aren’t you gay?

Punkie Johnson: I am. But you Michael B. Jorda. And I’m Punkie B. curious. I mean, even vegans got cheat days, right?

Michael B. Jordan: No, they don’t.

Punkie Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. Boy, you’re so funny. I’ll see you at the after party, baby.

Michael B. Jordan: Look, I just want to say I’m so grateful to be standing on this stage. You know, sometimes I can take myself a little too seriously. But tonight, I’m gonna have fun. I’m just gonna go for it. It maybe, just maybe, let the inner animal get a little crazy. All right? [howling]  We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Baby is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

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