Molly Shannon Monologue


Molly Shannon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Molly Shannon.

[Molly Shannon walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Molly Shannon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh my god, it’s so great to be back. I’ve had such a fun year. My daughter Stella started college. My son Nolan’s about to graduate high school. And I wrote a book about my life called “Hello Molly.” And, you know, it’s interesting because a lot of people were surprised by how honest I was about some of the hard times my family had. I mean, we all have problems, right? But my dad always taught me to keep my chin up and never give up on my showbiz dreams. He would play me old classic musicals and he would tell me, “You know, Molly, no matter what problems you face, if you keep a positive attitude, everything will turn out okay.” I can almost hear him now saying…

[singing] You’ll be swell, you’ll be great
you’re gonna have the whole world’s on a plate
starting here, starting now
honey, everything’s coming up, roses,
curtain up, light the light
you got nothing to hit, but the hype

Molly Kearney: Molly, sorry I crashed your monologue. But I know exactly what you mean. I’ve got real problems too.

Molly Shannon: Like, what’s your problem, Molly?

Molly Kearney: Well, I’m not really in the show much tonight. So I’m interrupting your song to get more camera time.

Molly Shannon: Oh, that’s a great idea.

Molly Kearney: Can I stay out here?

Molly Shannon: No.

Clear the debt, clear that track
you got nothing to do but relax
blow a kiss, take a bow
honey everything’s coming up, roses

Kenan, what about you? What’s your problem?

Kenan: I can’t stop buying fake Rolexes.

Molly shannon: What about you guys? What are your problems?

Andrew Dismukes: I still dress like a little boy.

Chloe Fineman: I pretend to have a peanut allergy for attention.

Bowen Yang: I’m attracted to my therapist.

Ego Nwodim: I just tested positive for COVID. Ha-ha-ha.

Bowen Yang: Wait, what?

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses

How about you, the audience? Who here is embarrassed by how often they check Instagram? [cheers] Who was in an unhealthy codependent relationship? We got a few. Who lost their job in the pandemic and secretly hopes that other people are suffering too? [laughter] What about you Lorne? What’s your problem?

Lorne Michaels: I don’t have any problem.

Molly Shannon: What about you, Martin Short?

Martin Short: I ran out of ozempic!

Molly Shannon: Everyone, come up here. Come on. Put away your problems and stop worrying. You know why?

Because you’ll be swelled, you’ll be great
I can tell, just you wait

All: And nothing’s gonna stop us till we’re through

Molly Shannon: Honey, everything’s coming up, roses and Daffodil,
everything’s coming up, sunshine and Santa Claus.
everything’s coming up, roses for me and for you

Thank you daddy. Superstar. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Jonas Brothers are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

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