Greg… Bowen Yang
Nina… Ana de Armas
Greg: I can’t believe you talked me into coming into a nail salon.
Nina: Greg, stop. Men get their nails done all the time.
Greg: Well, I’m not like other men, Nina.
Heidi: We’re ready for you two. I love when we get couples in here. Screw those gender roles. Now what color are we gonna paint you?
Greg: I don’t know. Something low-key. Like, maybe tan or nude or nothing?
Nina: Okay, come on. Don’t do this. You promised.
Greg: Things are different now, Nina. Okay? Because as of yesterday, I’m the holder of the Guinness world record for the world’s longest fingernails.
Nina: Greg, you said you will cut them right after they measured you and gave you your certificate.
Greg: Well, I made that promise before I knew what it felt like to hold the record. Okay? I can’t cut them after one day of being famous.
Nina: I am tired of living like this, Greg. It’s embarrassing.
Greg: No. You know what would be embarrassing if I showed up to the gala, the But world famous Guinness World Record world gala with short nails.
Heidi: So the water is getting cold in the petty-
Greg: That’d be like, if the world’s tallest man showed up and he cut off his legs.
Heidi: So have we landed on a colo-
Greg: I don’t want color. I want Regina craft and yellow, ribbons of crumbling cuticles. God, no one understands me.
Nina: What about me, Greg? Where is my certificate? I deserve a Guinness World Record for wiping your butt for 12 years.
Greg: You act like I’ve never tried to wipe myself. I did once and almost die.
Nina: You promised me. You promise me you were gonna cut your nails, learn Wonderwall on the guitar and do hand stuff to me for the first time.
Greg: I never said that.
Nina: Yes, you did. I have an on voice memo.
Greg on voice memo: As soon as I get this world record, I’m gonna cut these nails, learn Wonderwall on guitar and do hand stuff to you. Now what time are you getting home? I need you to wipe me.
Greg: Oh, who am I without my nails, Nina? I should have never come to this nail salon. I should have never moved to Seattle. And I should have never married you.
Nina: Oh, okay. Well if that’s how you feel, I’m taking my ring back.
Greg: Oh, go on. Fine. Take it then. Take it. Go on. Go. Take it then. Go. Keep going. Yeah, go. Go. Go on. Go on. Now. Take it.
Nina: Okay.
Greg: I’m out of here, boo.
Nina: Greg! Greg!
Heidi: So there is a cancellation fee.
[Greg is running fast in the jungle. Chloe comes to him]
Chloe:I know what you are.
Greg: Say it out loud. Say it.
Chloe: That guy from the Guinness Book of World Records with the world’s longest fingernails.
Greg: Are you afraid? Are you not? Oh no, you cracked my fingernail. Oh, now these look gross.
Nina: I can’t believe he left for real.
Heidi: Oh, don’t worry, Mama. I see this all the time. Men just need an identity. If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back.
Greg: I’m back. And I cut my nails. And you know what that means?
Nina: You wiped your butt.
Greg: Hand stuff.
Heidi: Whoo! Screw those gender roles.
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When I originally commented I clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Thanks!