[Starts with SNL monologue intro]
[Cut to SNL stage]
[Band is playing music]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Quinta Brunson.
[Quinta Brunson walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
Quinta Brunson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so very much. My name is Quinta Brunson. And let me just first say, I am so excited to be here. I have been dreaming about this since I was a kid. I actually, I wanted to be honest to know back in the day, but the audition process seemed long. So instead, I just created my own TV show, made sure it became really popular, won a bunch of Emmys and then got to host. [cheers and applause] So much easier. So much easier.
I have a show called Abbott Elementary. [cheers and applause] And it’s kind of unique. It’s a streaming show. It’s not a streaming show. Sorry. I know you guys get confused about that. It’s a network sitcom. Like say ‘Friends’, except instead of being about a group of friends, it’s about a group of teachers and instead of New York, it’s in Philadelphia. And instead of not having black people, it does.
I grew up in Philly and my mom was a teacher there. So creating a show about teachers has been really special. The only downside is now every time there’s an issue with the public school system, people expect me to solve it. And that’s not fair. Last week when that big collapse, no one wanted to go up to the cast of succession like, “How do we fix this, cousin Greg?” Don’t get me wrong. I love that people are enjoying Abbott, but I wish they didn’t expect me to be exactly like my character all the time in public. Janine Teague is a caring second grade teacher who’s good and wholesome. But I’m the opposite. I mean, I’m not a filthy whore. But I like to have fun. I need to be able to live my life without someone recording me going “Damn, Miss Teague is out here getting wasted at Universal Studios.” I prefer my butter beer with Hennessy.
Look, I just want people to lower their expectations of me. I’m still young, still figuring things out. I’ve had to start lying to my mom about who I’m hanging out with. I’ll be like, “You know, I’m just going to chill on my friend’s garden.” I just don’t mention that it’s Oprah’s garden. Or the time I told her I was going out to dinner but I didn’t tell her with who because it was this guy.
[Cut to a video of Quinta Brunson with Barack Obama]
Barack Obama: Hi. I’m with your daughter here and we’re so proud of her. But really proud of you. Not only because you’re obviously a great mom, but because you are a teacher. Most important job there is.
[Cut back to Quinta Brunson]
[cheers and applause]
Quinta Brunson: As my friend Barak said- [laughter] I call him Barack now. My mom really was an amazing teacher, and I’m so proud of her. But I also know firsthand that teachers get taken for granted. Like, I’ve always had a dishwasher. Never thought about it, loaded it up, kick the shut, went to bed wasted. But then my husband and I moved into an apartment that didn’t have a dishwasher. And after one day, I was like, “We gotta get the hell out of here.” Me not having a dishwasher is how parents feel when they don’t have teachers during the pandemic. Suddenly, parents were like, “Wait, we have to teach these dishes now? We have to be these dishes now. Why did I have so many dishes? That last dish was a mistake.” But seriously, teachers are people, not appliances. So please remember how important teachers are. Acknowledge the work they do every day. And for the love of God pay them the money they deserve.
We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Yatchy is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.