Trump Indictment Cold Open


Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Afroman… Devon Walker

Don Jr. … Mikey Day

Male voice: And now a message from former President Trump.

Donald Trump. Hello. Thank you. It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me. Well, folks, it happened. I got indicted or as I spell it indicated. And frankly, it’s time that I come clean, admit that I broke the law and go quietly to prison. April Fool’s. That was a prank. I was doing a gym from office. But make no mistake, what the radical left Democrats are doing to me is worse than any crime I’ve ever committed. And I’ve committed a lot. Close to 34. Some are saying I’m going to use this indictment to rile up my base so that they give me more money. Not true. Not true. I don’t want anything from my base except their love, their votes, perhaps their money. And I need their money more than ever. Now, you may have seen I’ve been opening my rallies with my wonderful song “Justice for all,” which I performed with the J6 choir. That’s a very real thing. Very disturbing. Very disturbing. It was the number one downloaded song. We beat flowers by Miley, which as we all know, is about Liam. My song ranking so much cash, I thought why stop there? That’s why I’m putting out my new album “Now that’s what I call my legal defense fund,” aka Trump bopz. And I’m bringing all the hits.

[music playing] [Donald Trump singing] Boys and things will come by the dozen 
that ain’t nothing but drug store loving
Hey, little thing, let me light your candle

‘Cause mama [singing gibberish] 

Wow, what a deal. Just 30 classic covers, all horrible. Song by your favorite president to defend our movement and mostly myself from the EVO Manhattan DA. That means District Attorney. But I’m a fighter. And speaking of fighting and taking advantage of fighters, here’s my friend Don King.

Don King: Hey. Hey everybody. What they are doing to this man is a tra-da-gedy (tragedy).

Donald Trump: So funny. With the big hair. Murdered a guy, can you believe it?

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Islands in the Stream
that ain’t what we are
no one in between
how can we be wrong?

Donald Trump: We’re not wrong. I’ve never been wrong.

Don King and Donald Trump: [singing] Making love to each other, uh-huh

Donald Trump: Don King, everybody. [Don King walks out] Speaking of love, me and the First Lady Melania are in high spirits. Since the news of my possible imprisonment, I’ve never seen Melania happier. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Second only perhaps to many younger, hotter women. But we like her. Also just to set the record straight, I didn’t even sleep with stormy Daniels, but in many ways I did. And isn’t it ironic that the first time I actually pay someone, they tried to send me to jail. That’s why you don’t pay people, folks. You never pay people. Pretty ironic.

[singing] If it rains on your wedding day,
oh what a thought, it figures

And folks, if they can come for me, they can come for you too. Or in the case of January 6, they can come for you and not for me. I liked that one a little bit better. Because I really don’t want to go to jail. But when I think about how shredded I might get, it’s awfully tempting. Can you imagine me pumping iron in the jail yard with the homies? Getting real big on top, little on bottom? Totally prison yoked, looking like a candy apple. Perhaps I might even become receptive to the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad. Although, I’ve never seen any pictures of him, kind of suss. Oh-oh, who’s this? Why? It’s a man who liked me was illegally rated and he’s turning it into big bucks, Afro man.

Afroman: I was going to go to class
but then I got high

Donald Trump: Drugs are killing our children
I could have cheated and I could have passed,
but then I got frankly high, real shame.

Afroman: I’m taking in next semester
and I know why?

Donald Trump: Why man?

Afroman and Donald Trump: Hey, because I got high
because I got high
because I got high

Donald Trump: We need to be executing our drug dealers. Thank you, Afroman. [Afroman walks out] Folks, your hard earned money is important. If I go to jail, I will need money for commissary snacks. I will need a supply of Robins to successfully barter with a large man named Lizard. And now my most loyal supporter, I wish he goes away. He’s my Kindle Roy. It’s Don Jr.

Don Jr.: Wow dad, this is really emotional. It might be the last time I see you.

Donald Trump: From your mouth to God’s ears.

Don Jr.: The boy’s a liar
the boy’s a liar
he doesn’t see ya
you’re not looking at me boy

Yeah, Dad!

Donald Trump: Very strange energy, my son. Don’t like it. He’s saying that I’m good enough, grabbing my drr. Thinking about things I should have done. Right? We love Ice Spice, don’t we? Ice Spice. Terrific hair. Beautiful hair. Manhattan, I’ll see you on Tuesday. We’ll be wild. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

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