Colin Jost
Marcello Hernandez
[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: It’s April and that can only mean one thing, the celebration of short men that the internet has dubbed short king spring. Here in common is our very own short King, Marcelo Hernandez.
Marcello Hernandez: Hey, Colin. It’s great to be here.
Colin Jost: Hey, Marcello. Thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King?
Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, well, it’s basically something women say as if it’s a compliment, but it’s kind of the condescending. Short King? It’s an insult followed by a compliment. You wouldn’t call someone a snaggletooth genius.
Colin Jost: Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man, and you’re welcome for that.
Marcello Hernandez: Okay, call it and Seto. I know I’m short. And you know how I know? Because when I lie about my height, I say I’m 5’9″, which means I’m really 5’7.5″, and I’m lying about the half. What height do you say Colin?
Colin Jost: Well, I’m 6 feet.
Marcello Hernandez: Oh, so you’re 5’9″ nine?
Colin Jost: No, I’m 6 feet.
Marcello Hernandez: No, if you were 6 feet, you would say 6’2″.
Colin Jost: No, I’m exactly 6 feet.
Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Then let’s stand back to back.
Colin Jost: I don’t want to do that.
Marcello Hernandez: Interesting. Colin, Short Kings like us should be proud of our heritage. You know, we come from a long line of grapes. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars Prince, Dominions, Al Pacino. I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland. Lil Wayne, it’s right there in the name. Martin Short, again, it’s right there in the name. Leonel Messi, Pablo Picasso, John Leguizamo, Danny DeVito. Beethoven the composer was five six, and the dog was even shorter.
Colin Jost: That’s great to know. Yeah, thank you. I think we get it. Yeah.
Marcello Hernandez: Now let’s think of some tall guys. Osama Bin Laden is6’4″. Slender Man 6’Colin Jost0″. Armie Hammer, 7’3″.
Colin Jost: Armie Hammer is not 7’3″.
Marcello Hernandez: Okay, sorry. I forgot you two were friends.
Colin Jost: We’re friendly.
Marcello Hernandez: No. You know, the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes. They go too low and they use a baby voice. They go like, “Hey bud, everything gopd down there?” And then when they’re done talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it, and they don’t say it, but it does feel like they say it. When they’re done talking, they go “Alright, I gotta go back up.” Colin, what I’m trying to say is us tiny Titans, we got to-
Colin Jost: Stop saying us.
Marcello Hernandez: Then stand back to back with me.
Colin Jost: No.
Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Well look, short kings, we were born kings. We’ve become kings. We’ve done the work. We learned how to dance, not because we wanted to but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che, they don’t gotta learn how to dance. They just stand in the back of the party like… Meanwhile, you and me are down there on the desk working, Colin. And not because we want to but because we had to.
Colin Jost: Again, I’m 6 feet tall.
Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, you’re a tower. Anywho, for all my short kings watching at home, stay strong, live large and be proud of the tiny little person that you are. So let’s show him, Colin. Stand up and go back to back with me.
Colin Jost: For the last time, I can’t do that.
Marcello Hernandez: Why not?
Colin Jost: Because Marcelo, I’m already standing.
Marcello Hernandez: I knew it. I knew it.
Colin Jost: My fellow short King, Marcello Hernandez.
Marcello Hernandez: We’re 5’8″. We’re 5’8″.
Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.