Michael Che
Michelangelo’s David… Michael Longfellow
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: Last week, a Florida principal was forced to resign out the parents were outraged when a photo of Michelangelo’s David, a new statue, was shown during a lesson on Renaissance art. Here to comment, Michelangelo’s David.
Michelangelo’s David: Michael, hey, thanks for having me.
Michael Che: Wow. Michael Angelo’s David.
Michelangelo’s David: Hey.
Michael Che: Hey, man, I’m sorry, but I’m over here. Can you not turn your head?
Michelangelo’s David: Oh, I’ve actually never tried. Let’s find out. [Yells out loud while turning his head to Michael Che.] Well, that hurt like hell.
Michael Che: Yeah. So Da- David, how are you dealing with this Florida controversy? I mean, those parents were pretty upset.
Michelangelo’s David: Those parents are ignorant prudes. What are they even talking about and the world’s greatest sculpture, and I’m a very pretty boy.
Michael Che: Well, it sounds like the parents didn’t want their kids to see your privates.
Michelangelo’s David: Hey, I’m proud of my tiny shiny penis and my big stone pubes. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m beautiful. And I think your audience deserves to see that. Who wants to see that? Huh?
Michael Che: No, no. David! No, we can’t do that. What is wrong with you people?
Michelangelo’s David: Why? I want to do it.
Michael Che: Well, you can’t show that. One parent said it was pornographic.
Michelangelo’s David: It’s art. It’s not pornography. [looks down] Okay, well right now it’s pornography. I’ll tell you when it’s hard again.
Michael Che: That’s fine. If people want to see it, they can go to a museum in Italy or look at it online.
Michelangelo’s David: Oh, you’re one of those guys. We can see it online. I can see whatever I need to online. That’s sad. Look, I am from the Bible, okay? I kill Goliath with a tiny rock and my faith in God Dong out. You ever been in a fight with your dog out?
Michael Che: No.
Michelangelo’s David: Answer me. Have you ever been in a fight with your dog out?
Michael Che: I did answer. I said no.
Michelangelo’s David: I’m serious Che. Fight with your dog out? Yes or No?
Michael Che: No.
Michelangelo’s David: Well, you should try it. It really distracts the other guy. Quite a bit. You know what I mean?
Michael Che: no.
Michelangelo’s David: You know what? I’m just gonna show it. I’m just gonna show it.
Michael Che: No, please don’t, man.
Michelangelo’s David: Come on. What are you scared of? All the best art is nude. Me, nude. Venus de Milo, nude. Statue of Liberty shows feet.
Michael Che: What are you talking about?
Michelangelo’s David: I’m saying you the most beautiful piece of art in the world sitting next to you and you don’t even want to look at it.
Michael Che: I see it. I can see it now.
Michelangelo’s David: And?
Michael Che: I mean, I’m no expert, but it’s kind of small.
Michelangelo’s David: While most people see it from below, and you want to come under, see it from below?
Michael Che: No. I do not.
Michelangelo’s David: Well, while you’re looking at it, do you notice that like the hair up here is the same down here? But that’s not like, right. Right? It’s too thick. It’s like rocks. Look.
Michael Che: Dude, no. Don’t show that please. No, don’t show that please.
Michelangelo’s David: It’s just rocks. God, Americans are uptight. Did you want the Italian version of SNL, you can show full penetration?
Michael Che: What?
Michelangelo’s David: Our Matt Foley lived in a man down by the river.
Michael Che: You know what? If you want to show it so bad, then show it. We’re all watching.
Michelangelo’s David: Well, now I’m shy.
Michael Che: Get out of here, man. Michelangelo’s David, everybody.
Michelangelo’s David: Can I show my big bare ass?
Michael Che: No. Get out of here.
I enjoyed reading this. It’s clear and well-written.