Michael Che
Punxsutawney Phil… Michael Longfellow
[Starts with Michael Che in his set]Michael Che: This Thursday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil.
Punxsutawney Phil: Hey, Che.
Michael Che: Hey, man. So six more weeks of winter. I mean, do you have any advice?
Punxsutawney Phil: I don’t know, man. Things are bleak out there. Write it out. I guess. [smokes]
Michael Che: You seem pretty down. I thought it was a big day for you.
Punxsutawney Phil: Dude. What’s the point of me? A weather predicting Groundhog in the year 2023? I’m useless. I’m like a condom in Nick Cannon’s wallet.
Michael Che: But you did see your shadow?
Punxsutawney Phil: Honestly, I’m seeing shadows everywhere. Climate change has made it all meaningless. Is winter still even a thing? Sure, it’s seven degrees now but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday.
Michael Che: You jog?
Punxsutawney Phil: For the resolution. And I wasn’t about to do dry January, you know what I mean? Alcohol. The only cool way to wet the bed. You know the core stopped?
Michael Che: What?
Punxsutawney Phil: The earth’s core stopped spinning. Look. [there’s an article that says “Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning”] See? Just straight up stopped. They want me to go to work? I’m a groundhog. I live close to the core, Che. Well not that close but close enough that when it stopped spinning I was like “Whoa. You guys feel that?” Cool if I do a bump real quick?
Michael Che: No.
Punxsutawney Phil: Happy afterparty, very nice. You know the moon is the sun now?
Michael Che: What?
Punxsutawney Phil: Look. [there’s a picture of a sun that looks like a moon] Because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for like weeks at a time. It’s like you’re on a Star Wars planet. Not even a good one. Like, one of those dusty poor ones. Hey, you know for me, this is space.
Michael Che: I don’t know what that means.
Punxsutawney Phil: Well, groundhogs live underground. So to me this is space. Houston requesting oxygen break. [smokes] You know NPR thing?
Michael Che: What NPR thing?
Punxsutawney Phil: Time is an illusion. Yes, science guys are saying this. It’s not just an excuse I used whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. We step out, guys like us, don’t we?
Michael Che: What do you mean guys like us?
Punxsutawney Phil: Oh, come on. I’m Punxsutawney Phil. She knows what she signed up for.
Michael Che: Oh, you’re like a bad groundhog.
Punxsutawney Phil: I’m not a bad groundhog. I just like good beaver.
Michael Che: Oh man.
Punxsutawney Phil: But seriously, I’m trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. You know, top people touch me, that’s probably why I drink wax.
Michael Che: What?
Punxsutawney Phil: You heard me. Look, at the end of the day. I just want to live a long peaceful life and then die of natural causes.
Michael Che: That’s actually very sweet.
Punxsutawney Phil: Well, for Groundhog natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18 wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.
Michael Che: Oh my god.
Punxsutawney Phil: They say you can’t even feel it. I’ll let you know.
Michael Che: Punxsutawney Phil, everybody.
Punxsutawney Phil: Live in a simulation.