Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]
Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump’s account. But this time they’ll put guardrails in place to keep him under control. Which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park.
Also, What even are guardrails on Facebook? And can they apply to my uncle? Because he’s posted some very disturbing fan fiction about the green m&m.[picture changes to Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama]
In the wake of the classified documents scandal, representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over all classified records before leaving office. While Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, “Come and get em’, you bastards.” [picture changes to Jimmy Carter as Scarface.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence.]
Michael Che: Sassy Jimmy Carter. A lawyer from Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. Incidentally, “I stand ready and willing to fully cooperate” is also what pence says before sex.
During the Senate hearings investigating, Live Nation and their monopoly on concert ticket sales fans of Taylor Swift protested outside the capitol. Oh, that’s sweet. And only two years after their dads were there. [picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rick Scott.]
Colin Jost: Senator Rick Scott, seen here learning that Harry Potter is falling into his trap, announced that he is running for reelection promising to finish the border wall and name it after Donald Trump. Even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures. [picture changes to Donald Trump Jr.] [picture changes to George Santos]
George Santos admitted that while living in Brazil, he did dress in drag but said he was not a drag queen. Okay, honey, we knew that from your contouring.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rhonda McDaniel]
Michael Che: Rhonda McDaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National Committee and a closer than expected vote over challenges, Harmeet Dhillon, MyPillow CEO Mike Lynn Dell, Twitter use CAT_TURD_2, Kevin Sorbo Kyle Rittenhouse and of course, Colin Jost. Congratulations, Colin.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Google logo.]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Thank you. That election was rigged. Google announced that it is cutting 12,000 jobs, while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis.]
Michael Che: Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust saying that it’s not a crime even though Catholic doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. He also stressed that Catholic doctrine use age as nothing but a number.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disney World.]
Colin Jost: Disneyworld is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana’s by you adventure after complaints that it’s Song of the South theme was racist. Okay, but where’s the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mine blood diamonds?