SNL Transcripts: George Carlin: 10/11/75: Academy of Better Careers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Academy of Better Careers

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Woman … Gilda Radner
Salesman …Wendy Craig
Lecturer … George Coe
Instructor … Jane Curtin
Woman with book … Jacqueline Carlin

[Phone rings in someone’s home. A woman picks up.]

Woman: Hello?

[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]

Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call,you have qualified for a challenging new career thatcould earn you up to eighty dollars a day!

Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens withinterest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]

Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of latenight TV ads for so-called training schools hascreated a demand for skilled phone answerers to takecalls and write down messages? It’s true. Thecountless schools and institutions that teach youcomputer programming, motel management, airportsurveillance and diesel mechanics — to name but a few– desperately need operators to stand by at the endof their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads:Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company]– the Academy of Better Careers — offers you thechance to become one of these sought after, high paidstand-by operators.

[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full ofpeople practicing the fine art of picking up atelephone receiver and saying “Hello” — an instructorcoaches one of the students but the rest are on theirown, picking up receivers and putting them down.]

Salesman: You’ll learn the latest up to the minutephone answering techniques from our staff ofexperienced instructors.

[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads acolorful children’s book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND.It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone onthe cover.]

Salesman: You’ll explore the telephone — its past,its present — and even the amazing picture phones ofthe future.

[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses apointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which arelisted “AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS” such as CEYLON -94; CHAD – 235; CHILE – 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTARICA – 506.]

Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show youeverything you need to know to answer phonesprofessionally.

Lecturer: Ceylon – nine, four. Chad…

[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone,still listening intently to the salesman.]

Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Boardof Public Instruction and is eligible under theStudent–

Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.

Salesman: But where are you going?

Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a soughtafter, high paid stand-by operator!

[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. Shestarts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappearsin a superimposed square, inset next to her.]

Salesman: Hey! Don’t let life put you on hold![Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down hercup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-byoperator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposedtext reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311)555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.]That’s (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by totake your call.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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