Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 1
75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian
Academy of Better Careers
Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
Woman … Gilda Radner
Salesman …Wendy Craig
Lecturer … George Coe
Instructor … Jane Curtin
Woman with book … Jacqueline Carlin
[Phone rings in someone’s home. A woman picks up.]
Woman: Hello?
[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]
Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call,you have qualified for a challenging new career thatcould earn you up to eighty dollars a day!
Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens withinterest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]
Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of latenight TV ads for so-called training schools hascreated a demand for skilled phone answerers to takecalls and write down messages? It’s true. Thecountless schools and institutions that teach youcomputer programming, motel management, airportsurveillance and diesel mechanics — to name but a few– desperately need operators to stand by at the endof their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads:Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company]– the Academy of Better Careers — offers you thechance to become one of these sought after, high paidstand-by operators.
[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full ofpeople practicing the fine art of picking up atelephone receiver and saying “Hello” — an instructorcoaches one of the students but the rest are on theirown, picking up receivers and putting them down.]
Salesman: You’ll learn the latest up to the minutephone answering techniques from our staff ofexperienced instructors.
[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads acolorful children’s book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND.It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone onthe cover.]
Salesman: You’ll explore the telephone — its past,its present — and even the amazing picture phones ofthe future.
[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses apointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which arelisted “AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS” such as CEYLON -94; CHAD – 235; CHILE – 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTARICA – 506.]
Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show youeverything you need to know to answer phonesprofessionally.
Lecturer: Ceylon – nine, four. Chad…
[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone,still listening intently to the salesman.]
Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Boardof Public Instruction and is eligible under theStudent–
Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.
Salesman: But where are you going?
Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a soughtafter, high paid stand-by operator!
[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. Shestarts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappearsin a superimposed square, inset next to her.]
Salesman: Hey! Don’t let life put you on hold![Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down hercup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-byoperator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposedtext reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311)555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.]That’s (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by totake your call.
Submitted Anonymously
