Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 1
75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian
George Carlin Stand-Up I
George Carlin: [ mimes trumpet ]
How many of you have heard this in your home: “Where’s the good scissors? I can’t keep anything nice in this house.”
Here’s another thing you don’t hear at home, mostly guys say this: “Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!” “Which one?” “This week’s underwear.”
Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they’re dead yet? I can’t help it.
Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can’t do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. “Hey, uh.. your wastebasket is in the garbage here!”
Check this out. When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there’s always one weird piece of bacon. [ leans back and stretches his arms out ]
What do dogs do on their day off? They can’t lie around, that’s their job, man!
As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There’ll be lots of places later they’ll be searching us, but the airport is where they’re kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there’s no weapons. “Don’t want any weapons on the plane! you know.” They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: “No weapons! Let ’em on!” Yuo get on the plane, and you’re clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess’s head and threaten paper cuts! “Do what he says! Do what he says!”
Oh.. there’s a moment.. coming. There’s a moment coming, it’s.. it’s not here yet. It’s on the way.. It’s still in the future. Here.. here it is! [ a beat ] Oh.. it’s gone, man. There’s no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can’t get anything together, we’ve got no time, huh?