Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 1
75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian
The Impossible Truth
Interviewer … Albert Brooks
Narrator: For years, people have been searching forthe truth. Some have been astounded at finding truth.And some never find it and are still astounded. THEIMPOSSIBLE TRUTH scans the globe looking for theevents that will astound everybody; thereby bringingus all closer together. [Cut to a spinning newspaper(“Impossible Truth News”) which eventually stopsspinning to reveal its headline: CABBIE GOES BLINDSTILL DRIVES; Cut to taxi cab parked at curb of NewYork City street] New York cab driver, temporarilyblinded, still puts in forty-five hour week! [Musicout. Camera tracks forward to close-up of cab driverwho wears dark glasses; an offscreen interviewer callsout to him:]
Interviewer: Excuse me!
Cab Driver: [looks the wrong way] Hm?
Interviewer: Sir? [cabbie turns to camera] Yes, howdid this happen to you?
Cab Driver: Well, I was takin’ a fare to one o’ thosemovie premieres, you know? You know them bigspotlights?
Interviewer: Where they have the lights in the sky?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: Yeah, right.
Cab Driver: I always wondered how they get ’em sobright so I went and stared into it.
Interviewer: Yeah?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: Stared into the light?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: For how long?
Cab Driver: About a half an hour.
Interviewer: Yeah?
Cab Driver: The doctor says it’s only temporary, mysight’ll probably come back.
Interviewer: Oh, that’s good. And yet you still drive?
Cab Driver: Damn right I still drive! What should Ido? Sit home and collect welfare? I know these streetslike the back of my hand.
Interviewer: Yeah?
Cab Driver: That’s right.
Interviewer: Well, congratulations.
Cab Driver: Thank you.
Interviewer: Yeah.
[A woman gets in the back of the cab.]Woman: [to the driver] Fifty-sixth and Madison.
Cab Driver: [to the interviewer] Gotta go now, pal.Got a fare.
Interviewer: Okay.
Cab Driver: [to the passenger] Any cars in front of us?!
Woman: No.
[Cab pulls into traffic. Honking horns artfully segueto more pompous music. Cut to another spinningnewspaper with headline: ISRAEL AND GEORGIA TRADEPLACES; Cut to a press conference where, beneath theirrespective flags, an Israeli and a Georgian sit at atable surrounded by journalists and photographers,signing papers]Narrator: In an unprecedented move to ease worldtensions, the country of Israel and the state ofGeorgia have agreed to change places. The entire stateof Georgia — residents, businesses, all forms ofcommerce — will relocate in the Middle East onJanuary 1st, 1977. No buildings will be moved. It willbe an even property exchange. [Music out.]
Israeli: This is indeed an auspicious occasion of thetwentieth century and I hope that New Orleans will beeasier to deal with than Cairo. [applause]
Georgian: I know – I know that my entire state islooking forward to heat without humidity. [applause] [Pompous music. Cut to another newspaper: AGE OFCONSENT LOWERED TO SEVEN IN OREGON; Cut to arestaurant where a thirtyish advertising man in a loudcheckered jacket sits at a table with a cute six orseven year old girl who eats a salad. In thebackground, other men sit with young girls.]
Narrator: In a sweeping majority vote, thisprogressive state has decided to lower the age ofconsent from eighteen to seven. Businesses of alltypes report a surge in activity. [Music out.]
Ad Man: [to the girl] Actually, uh, I’m in – I’m inadvertising. Here, I’ll show ya, this is my companyhere. [shows girl his business card]
Girl: I can’t read yet.
Ad Man: Oh, well, this says that I’m in charge ofcasting. I cast a lot of people, you know, likeyourself.
Girl: Mm hm.
Ad Man: You have very nice cheekbones.
Interviewer: [off screen] Excuse me, sir. I’m with”The Impossible Truth” — do you live in this area?
Ad Man: No, I’m from L.A.
Interviewer: Ah! Who’s your date?
Ad Man: It’s just someone I’m talking to here.
Interviewer: Let me ask you something–
Ad Man: Why don’t you just leave us for a littlewhile, huh?
Interviewer: All right.
Ad Man: [to the girl] Uh, I’m staying, uh, at the Inn,you know, out by the airport there.
Girl: Yeah?
Ad Man: Maybe, I don’t know if you have time …
Narrator: Although “The Impossible Truth” airs what itmust, some things it airs disgusts it. [Pompous music.Cut to another newspaper: THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH PEEKSINTO THE FUTURE; Cut to a woman swimming in a pool]While you are viewing this, “The Impossible Truth”continues to investigate new leads. Like the woman whoswims twenty-four hours a day every day of her life.[Cut to man eating a hard-boiled egg] Or the man whocan eat a thousand eggs. [Cut to a bespectacled manwith a magazine, moving his lips as he reads it] Orthe genius with an I.Q. of over two hundred and forty.[Cut to the globe and another superimposed text whichthe narrator reads:] It should be known that THEIMPOSSIBLE TRUTH is a fully copyrighted feature.Infringement of that copyright can lead to a long andcostly legal battle that we will win. As for now, THEIMPOSSIBLE TRUTH continues to scan the globe. [Cut tofinal newspaper with headline reading: THE END]
Submitted Anonymously
