Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 1
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Announcer: From Saturday Night news headquarters, this is Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the telephone ] What are you wearing right now? [ smiles ] No bathrobe? [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase!
Our top story tonight: dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa will always be a cornerstone in the organization.
Now, world leaders in the news: Japan Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week. The Emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Dateline: Washington. At a press conference Thursday night, President Ford blew his nose. Alert Secret Service agents seized his handkerchief and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday, in Washington, President Ford bumped his head three times getting into his helicopter. The CIA immediately denied reports that it had deliberately lowered the top of the doorway.
And, Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit that he has written his own campaign slogan. The slogan? “If He’s So Dumb, How Come He’s President?”
The Post Office announced today — [ looks around, lost ] Just a second, I lost my place. [ shuffles his papers ] Oh! The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.
Chevy Chase: Murder at the Blaine Hotel again. For a live report, let’s go to Laraine Newman in midtown Manhatten, at the Blaine hotel. Laraine?
Laraine Newman: [ over the sounds of sirens in the background ] Chevy, I’m standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel, where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders has occurred just over an hour ago. [ pan down to reveal three legs, each with a yellow sock on the foot, covered by a sheet and poking out of the doorway ] The motive, again – murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings. In a fit of pique, the Mayor has called the Blaine Hotel a pockmark on the neck of midtown Manhatten. Once again, grizzly death and murder in the Blaine Hotel. Laraine Newman, reporting.
Chevy Chase: Still to come: Earthquake Claims San Diego, Four Million Die in Turkey, and Arlene Visits an Art Museum.[ dissolve to ad parody for Triopenin ] [ dissolve to Blaine Hotel ad card ]
Announcer: Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhatten. The Blaine, a tradition for more than half a century.
Chevy Chase: Our final story tonight concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo. It’s the first such birth in captivity on record. The pip made its debut at 9:18 this morning, weighing in at just under fourteen grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply “Pip”. One humourous note: the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon by Goggles, the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that’s news this evening. This is Chevy Chase saying, good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.[ Chevy quickly redials his phone, as we fade ]