SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 10/18/75: The Muppets



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 2





75b: Paul Simon / Art Garfunkel, Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, Jesse Dixon Singers

The Muppets

Ploobis…..Jim Henson
Scred…..Jerry Nelson
Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz

[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]

Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats… to the land of Gorch!

[ Ploobis groans as he looks through a pile of moldy papers. ]

Scred: More bills, your thoughtlessness!

Ploobis: Bills, bills, bills! What’s the use? We’re never gonna be able to pay ’em.

Scred: Awww, what’s the matter, privy breath?

Ploobis: Scred… our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default.

Scred: No, it’s not, it’s on the edge of Scabland! There’s the border, right over there!

Ploobis: You idiot! [ POW! Ploobis cuffs Scred in the head. ]

Scred: Oooh!

Ploobis: We’re on the brink of default!

Scred: Well, what does that mean?

Ploobis: It means we can’t pay our bills. It means the garbage man will no longer be able to deliver the garbage.

Scred: Oh… How will we feed the rats?

Ploobis: What we need, Scred, is fiscal assistance!

Scred: Oh — that sounds painful!

Ploobis: Scred! [ POW! ] You’re no help.

Scred: I’m just trying to help, your annoyance… but, ya know, usually when we need help, we ask… you know who.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah! The Mighty Favog!

[ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]

Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. THAT’S MY NAME, WISDOM’S MY GAME.

Ploobis: Mighty Favog — we have come to seek fiscal assistance!

Mighty Favog: OOOH. THAT SOUNDS PAINFUL.

Scred: That’s what I said!

Ploobis: Will you shut UP! [ POW! ] Oh, Mighty Favog —

Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME!

Ploobis: Our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default!

Mighty Favog: NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF SCABLAND. SEE THE BORDER OVER THERE?

Scred: See! I told ya!

Ploobis: Shut up, Scred. [ POW! ]

Scred: Ow ow ow ow ow!

Ploobis: Listen, Favog — Gorch is broke. We can’t pay our bills, and we need your help.

Mighty Favog: IT’S GONNA COST YA.

Ploobis: But we’re broke. I mean, I got nothing to sacrifice.

Mighty Favog: WELL, WHAT ABOUT YER FRIEND THERE?

Ploobis: He’s got nothing either.

Scred: That’s right!

Mighty Favog: NO, NO, I MEAN — I’LL TAKE HIM!

[ Scred shudders. ]

Ploobis: Oh… yeah!

Scred: No! No, no! Not old Scred! Oh, no!

Mighty Favog: YEAH, YEAH…

Scred: No, if I go… who’ll torture the birds?

[ Ploobis picks Scred up and tosses him into the sacrificial well. ]

Ploobis: Get in there.

Mighty Favog: YEAH, RIGHT IN THERE.

Scred: Oh, no! No, not old Scred! Nooooooo…

[ Scred falls in with a splash. There’s a flushing sound, and The Mighty Favog smacks his lips. ]

Mighty Favog: HE DON’T GO DOWN EASY.

Ploobis: Listen, Favog — now, how can you help Gorch?

Mighty Favog: GORCH IS BETTER OFF ALREADY.

Ploobis: How come?

Mighty Favog: YA GOT ONE LESS MOUTH TA FEED.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah…

Mighty Favog: YA WANT SOME MORE HELP? BRING SOME MORE FRIENDS!

[ Scred pops up from the hole. ]

Scred: Yeah, and bring some girls!

Ploobis: Get in there…

Mighty Favog: GET BACK IN THERE! SEXIST REMARK…

[ fade ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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