Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 2
Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz
[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]
Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats… to the land of Gorch![ Ploobis groans as he looks through a pile of moldy papers. ]
Scred: More bills, your thoughtlessness!
Ploobis: Bills, bills, bills! What’s the use? We’re never gonna be able to pay ’em.
Scred: Awww, what’s the matter, privy breath?
Ploobis: Scred… our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default.
Scred: No, it’s not, it’s on the edge of Scabland! There’s the border, right over there!
Ploobis: You idiot! [ POW! Ploobis cuffs Scred in the head. ]
Ploobis: We’re on the brink of default!
Scred: Well, what does that mean?
Ploobis: It means we can’t pay our bills. It means the garbage man will no longer be able to deliver the garbage.
Scred: Oh… How will we feed the rats?
Ploobis: What we need, Scred, is fiscal assistance!
Scred: Oh — that sounds painful!
Ploobis: Scred! [ POW! ] You’re no help.
Scred: I’m just trying to help, your annoyance… but, ya know, usually when we need help, we ask… you know who.
Ploobis: Oh, yeah! The Mighty Favog![ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]
Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. THAT’S MY NAME, WISDOM’S MY GAME.
Ploobis: Mighty Favog — we have come to seek fiscal assistance!
Mighty Favog: OOOH. THAT SOUNDS PAINFUL.
Scred: That’s what I said!
Ploobis: Will you shut UP! [ POW! ] Oh, Mighty Favog —
Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME!
Ploobis: Our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default!
Mighty Favog: NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF SCABLAND. SEE THE BORDER OVER THERE?
Scred: See! I told ya!
Ploobis: Shut up, Scred. [ POW! ]
Scred: Ow ow ow ow ow!
Ploobis: Listen, Favog — Gorch is broke. We can’t pay our bills, and we need your help.
Mighty Favog: IT’S GONNA COST YA.
Ploobis: But we’re broke. I mean, I got nothing to sacrifice.
Mighty Favog: WELL, WHAT ABOUT YER FRIEND THERE?
Ploobis: He’s got nothing either.
Scred: That’s right!
Mighty Favog: NO, NO, I MEAN — I’LL TAKE HIM![ Scred shudders. ]
Ploobis: Oh… yeah!
Scred: No! No, no! Not old Scred! Oh, no!
Mighty Favog: YEAH, YEAH…
Scred: No, if I go… who’ll torture the birds?[ Ploobis picks Scred up and tosses him into the sacrificial well. ]
Ploobis: Get in there.
Mighty Favog: YEAH, RIGHT IN THERE.
Scred: Oh, no! No, not old Scred! Nooooooo…[ Scred falls in with a splash. There’s a flushing sound, and The Mighty Favog smacks his lips. ]
Mighty Favog: HE DON’T GO DOWN EASY.
Ploobis: Listen, Favog — now, how can you help Gorch?
Mighty Favog: GORCH IS BETTER OFF ALREADY.
Ploobis: How come?
Mighty Favog: YA GOT ONE LESS MOUTH TA FEED.
Ploobis: Oh, yeah…
Mighty Favog: YA WANT SOME MORE HELP? BRING SOME MORE FRIENDS![ Scred pops up from the hole. ]
Scred: Yeah, and bring some girls!
Ploobis: Get in there…
Mighty Favog: GET BACK IN THERE! SEXIST REMARK…[ fade ]
Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology