SNL Transcripts: Paul Simon: 10/18/75: The Muppets



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 2





75b: Paul Simon / Art Garfunkel, Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow, Jesse Dixon Singers

The Muppets

Ploobis…..Jim Henson
Scred…..Jerry Nelson
Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz

[ The camera pans across a deserted, rocky landscape — craters filled with smoky, bubbling slime. ]

Announcer: Come with us now… from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland… from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats… to the land of Gorch!

[ Ploobis groans as he looks through a pile of moldy papers. ]

Scred: More bills, your thoughtlessness!

Ploobis: Bills, bills, bills! What’s the use? We’re never gonna be able to pay ’em.

Scred: Awww, what’s the matter, privy breath?

Ploobis: Scred… our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default.

Scred: No, it’s not, it’s on the edge of Scabland! There’s the border, right over there!

Ploobis: You idiot! [ POW! Ploobis cuffs Scred in the head. ]

Scred: Oooh!

Ploobis: We’re on the brink of default!

Scred: Well, what does that mean?

Ploobis: It means we can’t pay our bills. It means the garbage man will no longer be able to deliver the garbage.

Scred: Oh… How will we feed the rats?

Ploobis: What we need, Scred, is fiscal assistance!

Scred: Oh — that sounds painful!

Ploobis: Scred! [ POW! ] You’re no help.

Scred: I’m just trying to help, your annoyance… but, ya know, usually when we need help, we ask… you know who.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah! The Mighty Favog!

[ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]

Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. THAT’S MY NAME, WISDOM’S MY GAME.

Ploobis: Mighty Favog — we have come to seek fiscal assistance!

Mighty Favog: OOOH. THAT SOUNDS PAINFUL.

Scred: That’s what I said!

Ploobis: Will you shut UP! [ POW! ] Oh, Mighty Favog —

Mighty Favog: TALK TA ME!

Ploobis: Our fair land of Gorch is on the brink of default!

Mighty Favog: NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF SCABLAND. SEE THE BORDER OVER THERE?

Scred: See! I told ya!

Ploobis: Shut up, Scred. [ POW! ]

Scred: Ow ow ow ow ow!

Ploobis: Listen, Favog — Gorch is broke. We can’t pay our bills, and we need your help.

Mighty Favog: IT’S GONNA COST YA.

Ploobis: But we’re broke. I mean, I got nothing to sacrifice.

Mighty Favog: WELL, WHAT ABOUT YER FRIEND THERE?

Ploobis: He’s got nothing either.

Scred: That’s right!

Mighty Favog: NO, NO, I MEAN — I’LL TAKE HIM!

[ Scred shudders. ]

Ploobis: Oh… yeah!

Scred: No! No, no! Not old Scred! Oh, no!

Mighty Favog: YEAH, YEAH…

Scred: No, if I go… who’ll torture the birds?

[ Ploobis picks Scred up and tosses him into the sacrificial well. ]

Ploobis: Get in there.

Mighty Favog: YEAH, RIGHT IN THERE.

Scred: Oh, no! No, not old Scred! Nooooooo…

[ Scred falls in with a splash. There’s a flushing sound, and The Mighty Favog smacks his lips. ]

Mighty Favog: HE DON’T GO DOWN EASY.

Ploobis: Listen, Favog — now, how can you help Gorch?

Mighty Favog: GORCH IS BETTER OFF ALREADY.

Ploobis: How come?

Mighty Favog: YA GOT ONE LESS MOUTH TA FEED.

Ploobis: Oh, yeah…

Mighty Favog: YA WANT SOME MORE HELP? BRING SOME MORE FRIENDS!

[ Scred pops up from the hole. ]

Scred: Yeah, and bring some girls!

Ploobis: Get in there…

Mighty Favog: GET BACK IN THERE! SEXIST REMARK…

[ fade ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

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