Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 2
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: [softly] What are you talking about? I could see right through the fence. I could see… [He hangs up the phone and starts picking his nose. Chevy notices the camera, blinks, and shuffles his papers nervously.]
Chevy Chase: Good evening, Im Chevy Chase, here to keep you up on whats going down![CUT to the projection screen over Chevys shoulder. It shows a slide of a car with a smashed hood and policemen standing around it.]
President Fords regular weekly accident took place this week inHartford, Connecticut, where Fords Lincoln was hit by a Buick. Alert Secret Service Agents seized the Buick and wrestled it to the ground.
No one was injured in the accident, but when the President got out tosee what had happened, he tore his jacket sleeve on the, uh… [checks script] …on the car bumper, bumped his head, and stuck his thumb in his right eye. Alert Secret Service agents seized the thumb and wrestled it to the ground. [As the audience laughs, Chevy grins and pounds the desktop twice.]
Said Mr. Ford, quote: I just assumed my thumb was in my pocket withthe rest of my fingers. Concerning the collision, New Orleans district attorney Jim Garrison says he will immediately launch an investigation into the second car theory.[applause]
Chevy Chase: In other news, Muhammad Ali today changed his name to Rhonda Fleming. He gave no reason for his decision.
But the big news on the sports scene is, of course, the one-on-one matchup with Connie Hawkins of the Atlanta Hawks, and Paul Simon, acoustic guitarist. For an on-the-spot report, lets go now to Marv Albert.
Marv Albert: [off camera] I’m Marv Albert, and in just a moment: the one-on-one confrontation upcoming between The Hawk.[CUT to a young Marv Albert wearing a powder blue plaid sports suit and talking into a clip-on microphone which he holds in his hand.]
Marv Albert: Connie Hawkins, one-time Harlem Globetrotter, one of the most exciting players in the NBA, as a member of the Atlanta Hawks. And The Hawk will be opposed by Paul Simon.
Marv Albert: Paul, of course, known as a songwriter… as a singer. Why this one-on-one competition?
Paul Simon: Well, the challenge, the challenge came from from Connie. I don?t know why he… why he chose me, uh… but I got the message through my office, uh… but he did challenge me to one-on-one. I’m ready, ready to play. I’m here. I’m ready to go.
Marv Albert: I notice, I’m looking at your uniform, the number “decimal point 02.” Any particular significance to that?
Paul Simon: No, that’s always been my number… ever since junior high school. It’s not Connie’s number, I don’t think there’ll be any confusion between us.
Marv Albert: Paul, what is your game plan for the Hawk?
Paul Simon: Well, Im spotting him a 1-foot 4-inch height advantage. I have to be honest, thats gonna be a factor in this game. Hes got me on speed and shooting ability.
Paul Simon: Uh, but Ill just have to play my game, as I usually play it. I mean, Im not gonna change anything, Ive gotta stay with my strengths… basically, singing and songwriting.[CUT to Connie Hawkins, a tall, bearded, black player in a purple jersey, as he walks toward the camera. Paul can be seen taking warmup shots in the background while Hawkins talks with Marv.]
Marv Albert: Okay, heres the Hawk. Connie, welcome. Connie, uh, Im trying to figure out, why this one-on-one matchup? Of course, we know your skills on the basketball court, but, uh, all Paul Simon is known for is, uh, Bridge over Troubled Waters [sic].
Connie Hawkins: Well, actually, uh, Im probably known as one of the best 1-on-1 basketball players in the schoolyard, and, uh… I found out through the grapevine that hes probably one of the best basketball players in the schoolyard, and I challenged him to see whos the best.
Marv Albert: Any particular strategy that you have planned?
Connie Hawkins: Well, I understand that hes really not that heavy, and hes not that, uh, strong, and hes probably short, but I think has a lot of savvy and a lot of hutzpah.
Marv Albert: Is there a chance that Paul might get hurt out here on the basketball court?
Connie Hawkins: [evenly] Yes.
Marv Albert: Connie, we wish you the best of luck in this one-on-one confrontation. [to camera] And in just a moment, the opening tap between the Hawk, Connie Hawkins, and Paul Simon.[The opening notes to Paul Simons song Me and Julio down by the Schoolyard play in the background as Connie and Paul stand at center court for the tip-off. The referee tosses the ball up, and Hawkins easily controls it a good two feet above Simons upraised hand. Hawkins steps back and attempts an easy shot from the top of the key, but it falls no good. The song continues in the background, and Paul, wearing a white jersey with 02 on the front and SIMON on the back, grabs the rebound in the left corner. He dribbles in front of Connie, who is obviously making little or no attempt on defense. Paul puts up a sky hook shot which soars almost above the top of the backboard and somehow drops in. The ref signals the shot, and the audience roars in approval as the scoreboard hows Simon ahead 2-0. CUT to shots of Paul Simon draining three straight layups; Hawkins just about gets a hand on the last one, but it goes in. Then Simon throws up a high, arcing shot from the top of the key, and gets nothing but net. CUT to Hawkins dribbling at the free-throw line; Simon steals it easily from him, and puts up another shot which falls in to give him 12 points on the board.
While Me and Julio continues to play, CUT to Simon far underneath the basket as he tries to bank one off the glass. Connie Hawkins terribly misses a block, and the shot is no good. Hawkins disappears while Simon tries the same shot and misses again. When he gets the rebound, Hawkins leaps back in and goes up for the block, but Simon waits until hes flown past, then tosses it back up, and the shot goes in. CUT to slow-motion footage of Hawkins dribbling past Simon toward the basket. Simon makes a hopeless attempt at defense and appears to foul Hawkins on the back, but Connie launches toward what appears to be a sure finger roll. The ball bounces twice inside the rim and falls out. CUT to Simon sinking another jump shot with Hawkins standing several feet away. Connie is seen dribbling in the backcourt while Paul flails his arms toward him. Connie drives to the basket, with Paul keeping up a decent fight, and misses yet another layup.
On Pauls next possession, Connie goes for the steal and grabs Simons forearm; they pretend to get tangled up, and Connie just about rides Simon for a couple of seconds until Simon goes sprawling to the floor. He lies motionless for a long moment, then jumps to his feet just as the song goes, Whoa! SUPERIMPOSE the caption HES NOT HURT as the audience laughs and Simon leaps and laughs. CUT to a quick shot of Connie Hawkins grinning, and then Paul tries to dribble past him for another shot. Connie sticks out a hand, and the shot bounces wide. CUT to the ref signaling a pushing foul. Connie dribbles gingerly in front of Paul on his next possession, and then drives smoothly past him and hits a reverse dunk. The scoreboard shows two points for Hawkins. CUT to slo-mo footage as Paul is seen dribbling in the lane until Hawkins knocks the ball loose, and it rolls toward the far side of the court while they go scrambling for it. Paul somehow gets there first, drops to the floor, and grabs the ball while Connie sprawls along the sidecourt. With the song winding down, Paul dribbles toward the basket with Hawkins a few steps behind. When Paul stops to set for the shot, he crouches down as low as he can, and Hawkins jumps right over his head and lands on the other side. Paul straightens and dishes it easily off the glass to put it in. SUPERIMPOSE the caption WINNING POINT as the audience applauds.] [FADE to Marv and Paul standing at courtside. Paul wears a white towel around his neck and waves to an imaginary crowd.]
Marv Albert: Paul, incredible upset. What happened? How’d you do it?
Paul Simon: [catches breath] Well, uh… First of all… [pause] When my outside shot is on, it’s on, it’s really on, and, uh… [laughter] I had a good day today. I put in a couple of quick early shots, I think he gave me room that he, he shouldn’t have given me room, he should’ve pressed me, he should’ve played a baseline game. Uh… [pause] A lot of luck went my way, y’know. I thought he played beautiful ball. He was much, he was much tougher and taller than I thought. A one-foot-four is really a lot, it’s really a lot to go against, and, uh, I’m about worn out now.
Marv Albert: Did his physical intimidation bother you at all?
Paul Simon: Uh, towards the end of the game, I started to feel it in my legs… physically intimidating my legs.
Marv Albert: What happens from here for Paul Simon?
Paul Simon: Well, I’ll be goin’ on the road, Howard.
Marv Albert: [whispers into mike] Marv. Marv Albert.
Paul Simon: Marv, I’m gonna go out on the road from here. Probably do some concerts, I’ll try to get back into music a little bit now. Uh, write some songs, and, uh… This is not gonna be a regular thing with me, I, I don’t suppose, unless somebody wants to come up and challenge me again. And if they do, if the schedule permits, I’ll be doin’ it. I’ll be here, I’ll be ready.
Marv Albert: Paul, congratulations. Incredible upset.
Paul Simon: Thanks.[FADE OUT just as they shake hands, and then FADE to Connie and Paul walking together off the court; Paul pats Connie at the base of his back, while Connie reaches down and pats Paul on the shoulder. FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield