SNL Transcripts: Rob Reiner: 10/25/75: The Bees



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3







75c: Rob Reiner

The Bees

…..Rob Reiner
…..Penny Marshall
…..John Belushi

[FADE IN on Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall sitting at a restaurant table with a checkered tablecloth. Behind them, Chevy Chase plays a waiter who is giving a check to a man sitting alone.]

Penny Marshall: It’s getting late. I’d better get back. Ted’ll be wondering where I am.

Rob Reiner: [angrily] Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, it’s always Ted! What about MY feelings?

Penny Marshall: He’s my husband.

Rob Reiner: He’s your husband in name only. YOU know it, and I know it!

Penny Marshall: Can’t we discuss this like adults?

Rob Reiner: Oh, you mean like your parents? Who spent their entire married lives living as strangers?

Penny marshall: You sound like my brother Mark.

Rob Reiner: Mark, Mark, Mark, it’s always Mark! What about MY feelings?

Penny Marshall: Honey, you knew when we started this could never last. [touches him under the chin] We both knew it.

Rob Reiner: [passionately grabs her hand] Oh, darling, marry me! Say yes!

Penny Marshall: Oh, please, please don’t TORTURE me! You could never leave the kids. And Joyce… Joyce would die.

[Behind Rob and Penny, three Bees can be seen making their way down the stairs. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi, in his red vest, escort Laraine Newman to a table and seat her genially.]

Rob Reiner: Joyce, Joyce, Joyce, it’s always Joyce! What about MY feelings?!

Penny Marshall: Besides, I could never leave Ted. Not now. Not since… the accident.

[In his bee costume, Tom Schiller enters from the right and starts playing the old standard “Fascination” on the violin. Another Bee accompanies him on guitar.]

Rob Reiner: He never even knew you existed! And now that he’s in a coma, he’ll be even less interested!

Penny Marshall: He needs me.

Rob Reiner: He needs you? What about MY feelings?

Penny Marshall: You’re bitter!

Rob Reiner: Sure, I’m bitter! I have every right to be!

Penny Marshall: The man I fell in love with, the man I’d trade my husband for, would have understood.

Rob Reiner: [overdramatically] I’m sorry! I just can’t help it!

[Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, and Michael O’Donoghue, all in Bee attire, come down the steps in the rear of the set. Garrett is seated at the table to the right of Laraine’s. The musicians keep playing “Fascination” behind Rob and Penny.]

Penny Marshall: [over music] Maybe it isn’t meant to be. Maybe we’re just two ships that pass in the night.

Rob Reiner: [looks at her in disbelief] “Two ships that pass in the night”?! I feel like I’m in a “B” movie! [calls over to side] Waiter, check, please!

[On cue, John Belushi saunters smoothly up behind Rob, pivots toward him, and holds out a check tray with a slight flourish. Rob stares at him in disgust and suddenly stands up.]

Rob Reiner: All right, that’s it! That’s it! Stop it! Hold the music. No, no, it’s ridiculous!

[The violinist and guitarist stop. Rob steps toward the audience.]

Rob Reiner: No, really, I’m not going to go on with this thing, this is absolutely ridiculous. I, I was told when I came on the show that I would not have to work with the Bees. Now, now, this is, and here they are! I was told, “No Bees” when I signed on to this. [losing temper] Here’s my BIG dramatic chance to do something, and they, they stick a whole stage full of BEES around me!! Now, now, you saw the first show, you saw with George Carlin, the Bees did not work! And then the second show, hosting, uh, with Paul Simon hosting, the bees were horrendous! Now, I don’t have to–how many times do I have to SAY it?! [screaming] I DON’T WANT THE DAMNED BEES!!!

[turns to Bees]

Rob Reiner: Now, do you understand, am I making myself clear? You’re ruining the show! Will you please leave the stage?!

[Penny Marshall takes Rob’s arm and tries to calm him down.]

Penny Marshall: [quietly] Robbie, Robbie, Robbie… you don’t have to be so hard on the Bees. They just did it because they thought it would help the show.

Rob Reiner: [still furious] They’re NOT helping the show! They’re RUINING the show!! Honey, I don’t need BEES! I don’t NEED Bees! I’m a major star! I’m on the number one television show in America!

Penny Marshall: [protesting] They’re only bees!!

Rob Reiner: [snaps petulantly] I don’t want the BEES!

[John Belushi timidly steps up behind Rob.]

Rob Reiner: [whirling around] What is it?!

John Belushi: [ashamed] I’m sorry if you think we’re ruining your show, Mr. Reiner. But, uh, see, you don’t understand. We didn’t ask to be Bees. You see, you, you’ve got Norman Lear and a first-rate writing staff. [gestures to Bees] But this is all they came up with for us.

[applause]

John Belushi: [passionately] Do you… do you think we LIKE THIS? No. No, Mr. Reiner. But we don’t have any CHOICE.

[The other Bees clap heartily while Belushi walks toward them. Rob is sullen and silent for a moment.]

Rob Reiner: I don’t know what to say. I feel terrible, but I…

Penny Marshall: I feel terrible.

[Belushi suddenly whirls back around and furiously points a finger in Reiner’s face.]

John Belushi: You see, we’re, we’re, we’re just like you WERE five years AGO, Mr. Hollywood, California, number-one-show BIG SHOT!!

[The violinist starts playing “Battle Hymn of the Republic.”]

John Belushi: That’s right! [gestures to others] We’re–we’re just a bunch of actors looking for a break, that’s all!

[The antennae on Belushi’s head bob slowly back and forth as he points in Reiner’s face and shouts.]

John Belushi: What do you want from US, Mr. ROB REINER?! Mr. STAR?! What did you expect? The STING?!

[The audience whoops in approval as Belushi raises a Black Power fist to the others, who return it as he walks backstage. Rob and Penny stand sheepishly still for a moment.]

Rob Reiner: [coughs nervously] I don’t know what to say.

Penny Marshall: Well, I, for one, am totally embarrassed.

[walks away]

Rob Reiner: [very quietly] I feel terrible. I thought I made myself perfectly clear that I didn’t want the Bees.

[Penny walks back to Rob and puts her arms around him.]

Penny Marshall: It’s all right, honey.

Rob Reiner: Don’t say “honey.”

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

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