Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 3
[FADE IN on Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall sitting at a restaurant table with a checkered tablecloth. Behind them, Chevy Chase plays a waiter who is giving a check to a man sitting alone.]
Penny Marshall: Its getting late. Id better get back. Tedll be wondering where I am.
Rob Reiner: [angrily] Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, its always Ted! What about MY feelings?
Penny Marshall: Hes my husband.
Rob Reiner: Hes your husband in name only. YOU know it, and I know it!
Penny Marshall: Cant we discuss this like adults?
Rob Reiner: Oh, you mean like your parents? Who spent their entire married lives living as strangers?
Penny marshall: You sound like my brother Mark.
Rob Reiner: Mark, Mark, Mark, its always Mark! What about MY feelings?
Penny Marshall: Honey, you knew when we started this could never last. [touches him under the chin] We both knew it.
Rob Reiner: [passionately grabs her hand] Oh, darling, marry me! Say yes!
Penny Marshall: Oh, please, please dont TORTURE me! You could never leave the kids. And Joyce… Joyce would die.
[Behind Rob and Penny, three Bees can be seen making their way down the stairs. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi, in his red vest, escort Laraine Newman to a table and seat her genially.]
Rob Reiner: Joyce, Joyce, Joyce, its always Joyce! What about MY feelings?!
Penny Marshall: Besides, I could never leave Ted. Not now. Not since… the accident.
[In his bee costume, Tom Schiller enters from the right and starts playing the old standard Fascination on the violin. Another Bee accompanies him on guitar.]
Rob Reiner: He never even knew you existed! And now that hes in a coma, hell be even less interested!
Penny Marshall: He needs me.
Rob Reiner: He needs you? What about MY feelings?
Penny Marshall: Youre bitter!
Rob Reiner: Sure, Im bitter! I have every right to be!
Penny Marshall: The man I fell in love with, the man Id trade my husband for, would have understood.
Rob Reiner: [overdramatically] Im sorry! I just cant help it!
[Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, and Michael ODonoghue, all in Bee attire, come down the steps in the rear of the set. Garrett is seated at the table to the right of Laraines. The musicians keep playing Fascination behind Rob and Penny.]
Penny Marshall: [over music] Maybe it isnt meant to be. Maybe were just two ships that pass in the night.
Rob Reiner: [looks at her in disbelief] Two ships that pass in the night?! I feel like Im in a B movie! [calls over to side] Waiter, check, please!
[On cue, John Belushi saunters smoothly up behind Rob, pivots toward him, and holds out a check tray with a slight flourish. Rob stares at him in disgust and suddenly stands up.]
Rob Reiner: All right, thats it! Thats it! Stop it! Hold the music. No, no, its ridiculous!
[The violinist and guitarist stop. Rob steps toward the audience.]
Rob Reiner: No, really, Im not going to go on with this thing, this is absolutely ridiculous. I, I was told when I came on the show that I would not have to work with the Bees. Now, now, this is, and here they are! I was told, No Bees when I signed on to this. [losing temper] Heres my BIG dramatic chance to do something, and they, they stick a whole stage full of BEES around me!! Now, now, you saw the first show, you saw with George Carlin, the Bees did not work! And then the second show, hosting, uh, with Paul Simon hosting, the bees were horrendous! Now, I dont have to–how many times do I have to SAY it?! [screaming] I DONT WANT THE DAMNED BEES!!!
[turns to Bees]
Rob Reiner: Now, do you understand, am I making myself clear? Youre ruining the show! Will you please leave the stage?!
[Penny Marshall takes Robs arm and tries to calm him down.]
Penny Marshall: [quietly] Robbie, Robbie, Robbie… you dont have to be so hard on the Bees. They just did it because they thought it would help the show.
Rob Reiner: [still furious] Theyre NOT helping the show! Theyre RUINING the show!! Honey, I dont need BEES! I dont NEED Bees! Im a major star! Im on the number one television show in America!
Penny Marshall: [protesting] Theyre only bees!!
Rob Reiner: [snaps petulantly] I dont want the BEES!
[John Belushi timidly steps up behind Rob.]
Rob Reiner: [whirling around] What is it?!
John Belushi: [ashamed] Im sorry if you think were ruining your show, Mr. Reiner. But, uh, see, you dont understand. We didnt ask to be Bees. You see, you, youve got Norman Lear and a first-rate writing staff. [gestures to Bees] But this is all they came up with for us.
John Belushi: [passionately] Do you… do you think we LIKE THIS? No. No, Mr. Reiner. But we dont have any CHOICE.
[The other Bees clap heartily while Belushi walks toward them. Rob is sullen and silent for a moment.]
Rob Reiner: I dont know what to say. I feel terrible, but I…
Penny Marshall: I feel terrible.
[Belushi suddenly whirls back around and furiously points a finger in Reiners face.]
John Belushi: You see, were, were, were just like you WERE five years AGO, Mr. Hollywood, California, number-one-show BIG SHOT!!
[The violinist starts playing Battle Hymn of the Republic.]
John Belushi: Thats right! [gestures to others] Were–were just a bunch of actors looking for a break, thats all!
[The antennae on Belushis head bob slowly back and forth as he points in Reiners face and shouts.]
John Belushi: What do you want from US, Mr. ROB REINER?! Mr. STAR?! What did you expect? The STING?!
[The audience whoops in approval as Belushi raises a Black Power fist to the others, who return it as he walks backstage. Rob and Penny stand sheepishly still for a moment.]
Rob Reiner: [coughs nervously] I dont know what to say.
Penny Marshall: Well, I, for one, am totally embarrassed.
Rob Reiner: [very quietly] I feel terrible. I thought I made myself perfectly clear that I didnt want the Bees.
[Penny walks back to Rob and puts her arms around him.]
Penny Marshall: Its all right, honey.
Rob Reiner: Dont say honey.
[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield