Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 3
Felina Cat Food
[ open on close-up of Spokesman leaning forward in supermarket aisle ]
Spokesman: We have a cat food so good.. that you can’t tell it’s cat food! And we’re here in Fort Francis, Missouri to prove it! [ leans back to reveal two matching cookware dishes on a foldout table, as camera pulls wide ] Hi, I’m TV’s Ross Potter, at Mel’s Value King, for Felina Kitchens! We’ve prepared TWO identical casseroles. The only difference – the one was made with eighty-cents’ worth of expensive canned tuna; the other, with forty-cents’ worth of Felina Cat Food.[ dissolve to Spokesman spooning out a sample of the first casserole for a passing housewife ]
Spokesman: Mrs. Fran Bartman, would you tell us which one you prefer? [ inserts the spooned sample into her mouth ]
Mrs. Fran Bartman: [ chewing ] It’s good.
Spokesman: And now, the other. [ spoons a sample of Felina and inserts it into her mouth ]
Mrs. Fran Bartman: Mmm.. this is better!
Spokesman: Tell me, how does this compare with your tuna casserole at home?
Mrs. Fran Bartman: It’s, uh.. CHUNKIER! And, uh.. CREAMIER! It — it has a higher tuna-to-noodle ratio!
Spokesman: Mrs. Bartman, would you servie this to your family at home?
Mrs. Fran Bartman: [ nods her head ] I would – I WILL! [ laughs ]
Spokesman: What would you say, Mrs. Bartman, if I told you that this casserole was made with the expensive tuna — [ points to the first casserole and removes a sleeve from its can, then points to the second casserole ] while this casserole — the one that you preferred — was made with Felina Cat Food.[ Mrs. Bartman’s smile quickly turns to a disgusted scowl ]
Spokesman: [ holds up a can to the camera ] Felina Cat Food! So good, that your cat will be tempted to eat it with a fork![ Mrs. Bartman fidgets uncomfortably, as we fade ]