SNL Transcripts: Rob Reiner: 10/25/75: The Muppets



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3







75c: Rob Reiner

The Muppets

Ploobis…..Jim Henson
Scred…..Jerry Nelson
Peuta…..Alice Tweedy
Wisss…..Richard Hunt
Mighty Favog…..Frank Oz

[ As the sketch opens, Scred is massaging King Ploobis’ back. ]

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, yeah. A little to the left there, Scred. Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[ The moment is broken by an explosive entrance from Queen Peuta. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! Ploobis! Do you know what your son Wisss is doing?

Ploobis: What, has he locked himself in the bathroom with a magazine again?

Peuta: No! Your son Wisss is smoking… craters!

Ploobis: NO!

Peuta: Yes!

Ploobis: Not my son. Why, my son is a… he’s a…

Scred: A crater head!

Ploobis: A crater head! No, he is not! [ POW! Ploobis smacks Scred. ]

Scred: Oh, thank you.

Ploobis: My son is not a crater head.

Peuta: Yes, he is! Go look for yourself.

Ploobis: All right, I will!

[ Ploobis exits. Scred takes the opportunity to fondle Peuta’s moogies. ]

Scred: Cootchie cootchie coo!

Peuta: Ooh! Ha ha. Not now, sugar claws…

[ Cut to a plain of smoking craters. Wisss, Ploobis’ long-haired hippie son, is sniffing the smoke and blowing it out again through his long furry snout. ]

Wisss: On top of Old Smokey… [ blows out ] Aaaaaahhh!

[ Ploobis enters. ]

Ploobis: Hey, didn’t I ever tell you not to smoke that stuff?

Wisss: Hey, man… wow! Your aura’s really red!

Ploobis: Oooooh. Your aura’s gonna be black and blue in a minute, fella.

Wisss: Hey, lighten, up, Jack, lighten up.

Ploobis: Listen… all the evidence is not in, buster. That stuff there rots your brain.

Wisss: Oh, yeah?

Ploobis: Yeah!

Wisss: Oh, YEAH?

Ploobis: YEAH!

Wisss: … Yeah, what? [ Wisss scratches his head. ]

Ploobis: See that? It rots your brain! Now, what do you need that stuff for? Look at ME! I’m high on life!

Wisss: Yeah. [ He turns contemptuously and sniffs at the crater. ] [ Scred enters. ]

Scred: Sire?

Ploobis: What.

Scred: Perhaps it would help if you spoke to your son in his own language.

Ploobis: Grrruhh. Good thinking, Scred. [ He approaches Wisss. ] Um… hey, listen, uh, uh — dude — uh… Big Daddy-o here wants you to ixnay with the crater smoke. Ya dig? Huh?

Wisss: Hey, man… don’t down me with those bad vibes, dad.

Ploobis: Grruh. C’mere, Scred. Listen. I can no longer talk to the lad. I want you to tell him that if he doesn’t stop smoking that stuff…

Scred: Mm hmm?

[ Ploobis grabs Scred’s nose. ]

Scred: OW!

Ploobis: I’m gonna do THIS to him.

[ Ploobis twists Scred’s head sideways, snapping some bones with a loud crunch. ]

Scred: Oh! Ow! I’m sure he’d hate that.

Ploobis: Yeah.

[ Scred tries to reposition his head as he approaches Wisss. ]

Scred: Uh… the boss says that if —

Wisss: Yeah? Well, you tell him that if he doesn’t split, I am gonna do this to him. Wisssssss…. [ He blows smoke from his nose into Scred’s face. ]

Scred: Oh! Oh! Oh, wooowwww… the colors!

Ploobis: Scred?

Scred: Hmm?

[ POW! ]

Scred: Oh, and the stars!

Ploobis: Grrruhhh. Maybe the Mighty Favog has got some good advice for me.

Wisss: Oh, never, man. Favog’s a cosmic turkey.

[ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]

Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME.

Scred: Yeah, ya got any munchies? Hee hee!

Ploobis: Will you shut up, Scred. Oh, omni-impotent one, I gotta problem.

Mighty Favog: AWRIGHT. IT’S GONNA COST YA.

Ploobis: Scred, put in the chickens there.

Scred: Hanh?

Ploobis: Put in the chickens!

Scred: Oh, yeah — hee hee hee! Chickens! Little birdy wirdies. Here ya go.

Mighty Favog: YEAH… [ There’s a splash, and a flushing sound as Favog smacks his lips and burps. ] AWRIGHT. WHAT’S YER PROBLEM?

Ploobis: My son Wisss… is a crater head.

Mighty Favog: MMMM. WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND —

Ploobis: Yeah?

Mighty Favog: IS BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND. [ Favog sniffs the air. ]

Ploobis: Huh? [ Ploobis sniffs the air. ]

Scred: I could kill for some chocolate chip cookies!

[ Scred dances out as Ploobis and Favog sniff. ] [ fade ]

Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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