Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 3
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
…..Chevy Chase
…..Laraine Newman
…..Garrett Morris
[FADE IN on Chevy Chase sitting at the anchor desk and talking on the telephone.]
Don Pardo: From Saturday Night News Headquarters, this is Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: Are you udner the covers right now? [ smiles ] Did you shower? [ smiles again, notices the camera, then quickly hangs up the phone and begins with a falsetto ] Good evening — [ clears his throat ] Good evening! I’m Chevy Chase.
The top story is, of course, the good news that President Ford is over that week-long bout with that stubborn cold. White huose physicians say that, after a mild cold of that sort, it will take the President a few days to recover his motor skills fully, citing the period after his last cold when he tied his shoe to his hair blower and inadvertently pardoned Richard Nixon.
[ show slide of George Wallace ]
On the campaign trail, Gov. George Wallace expressed disappointment that the Pope would not grant him an audience. The Vatican has stated the Pope simply did not know who Wallace was, pointing out that handicapped people are always knocking on his door.
Starting a speaking tour this week, former governor Ronald Reagan spoke out against marijuana, abortion, the equal rights amendent, busing, and gun control legislation. When asked what he was for, Reagan replied, quote, “Hair dye,” unquote.
Reagan stated that, like Wallace, he was also considering campaigning in a wheelchair, saying, “It’s not for the sympathy I’d get, it just makes the race more fair.”
[ show slide of Evil Knieval jumping his motorcycle over a line of busses ]
Kings, Island, Ohio — this afternoon, Evil Knieval successfully jumped his Harley-Davidson motorcycle over fourteen Greyhound busses. Evil will attempt to jump a Greyhound bus over Fred MacMurray and his entire family next week.
Sirhan Sirhan, convicted assassin, has changed his name to Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan. He gave no reason for, uh, this decision.
[ show slide of the exterior of the Blaine Hotel ]
Chevy Chase: Well, more trouble at the Blaine hotel, in midtown Manhattan, where three kidnappers have been holding a hostage for some twenty hours now. For an on-the-spot report, let’s go live to Laraine Newman at the Blaine Hotel. Laraine?
[ cut to a shot looking down a staircase to Laraine Newman standing outside of Room 1822 at the Blaine Hotel ]
Laraine Newman: Chevy, I’m standing outside a room on the 18th Floor of the Blaine Hotel, where a group of terrorists calling themselves, strangely enough, simply, “Blowfish”, are holding several hostages. Inexplicably, they have insisted that famed television show announcer, Don Pardo, read off their list of ransom demands on national television.
[ the door slowly opens ]
Oh, the door to the room appears to be opening. Tell us what they want, Don Pardo. [ sticks her microphone into the crack of the door ]
Don Pardo V/O: Laraine! The kidnappers want to be transported on one of Gotham Choppers quiet and comfortable Executive Helicopters to Kennedy Airport! [ show product slide ] Gotham, for the lift of a lifetime! [ next product slide ] While at Kennedy, they’ll receive three complete sets of Trav-King Air-Mate modeled and carry-on luggage, Laraine! [ next product slide ] And they’ll fly on British Pacific Airways’ luxurious Sunfaster Funjet to Havana, Cuba, the Carribbean’s unchallenging island paradise! [ next product slide ] And, Laraine, they’ll board that jet on thirty square yards of Brasland Carpet, their choice of sixteen colors and patterns! [ next product slide ] And, while receiving asylum in Havana, the kidnappers will stay in the sumptious Imperial Suite in Havana’s lush Guevera Beach Hotel! [ next product slide ] And, they’ll be wearing these “Guido” Slacks — [ next product slide ] when they demand two millions’ worth of Remco pure, refined gold bullion, from First City Bankers National of Remco – gold processors for over FIFTY years! Laraine?
[ cut back to Laraine, who retrieves her microphone from the crack in the door ]
Laraine Newman: And that’s the way it is at the blaine Hotel. Back to you, Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: [ in front of “Still to Come” screen ] Still To Come: Earthquake: Friend or Foe, Switzerland Declares War on Itself, and Rudolph Hess Plans a Halloween Party.” After this filmed message.
[ dissolve to ad parody for Wrigley’s Gum, then back to Weekend Update ]
[ Blaine Hotel ad card ]
Announcer: Guests of “Saturday Night” stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhattan. A New York tradition for more than fifty years.
[ dissolve back to Chevy Chase ]
Chevy Chase: Acid indigestion in the news. The signing of a joint communique between Great Britain and Saudia Arabia was held up Wednesday, when Prime Minister Harold Wilson became sick to his stomach and threw up on the papers at the ceremony. [ slide shakes ] Referring to the incident later, the Prime Minister said, quote, [ makes throw-up noise ].
Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard-of-Hearing – Mr. Garrett Morris.
[ Garrett appears in an oval over Chevy’s right shoulder ]
Chevy Chase: Our top story tonight —
Garrett Morris: [ cups his hands and yells ] OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!
Chevy Chase: President Ford is finally over that stubborn week-long cold.
Garrett Morris: PRESIDENT FORD IS FINALLY OVER THAT STUBBORN WEEK-LONG COLD!!!
[ Garrett disappears ]
Chevy Chase: [ smiles ] Well, that’s the news tonight. I’m Chevy Chase. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
