SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 11/08/75: Trans American Airlines

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Trans American Airlines

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Man … Michael O’Donoghue
Receptionist … Laraine Newman

[Fade in on a dingy apartment house hallway. Abearded, bespectacled man in a cheap green jacketwalks calmly down a flight of stairs to a pay phone onthe opposite wall. He drops in a dime, dials a number,and leans against the wall, his face turned to thecamera. He waits expectantly as the phone rings. Longstrands of hair hang awkwardly over his left ear. In asplit-screen, the call is answered by a nicely-dressedreceptionist at an airport ticket counter. A sign behind herreads “Trans American Airlines.”]

Receptionist: [pleasantly professional, with a smile]Good evening. Trans American Airlines.

Man: [in a low voice, occasionally flashing aslight, psychotic grin] Do you know what I’d like todo to you, lady? I’d like to stick tacks in your neck.[her face slowly begins to fall] Then I’d like to takea chain saw and run it down your spine. Then I’d liketo throw garbage at your face. [by now, she isfrowning unhappily] Then I’d like to rent a truck,fill it full of scrap metal and park it on yourkneecaps. Then I’d like to hit you in the lungs with ashovel, throw more garbage at your face, and then I’dlike to lop off your thumbs with a grapefruit knife.Good-bye. [grins]

Receptionist: [pleasantly, with a forced smile]Good-bye, and thank you for calling TransAmerican.

[Both parties hang up: the man blissful and satisfied,the receptionist disturbed and uneasy. Dissolve to theapplauding audience in the Studio 8Hbalcony.]

Submitted Anonymously

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