SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 11/08/75: Ambassador Training Institute


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Ambassador Training Institute

Husband … Dan Aykroyd
Wife … Laraine Newman
Pitchman … Andrew Duncan

[In a kitchen, a wife serves her husbanddinner.]

Husband: [disgruntled] Sandwiches againtonight?

Wife: You know I can’t stretch the foodbudget any further! Why don’t you get a betterjob?

[Through the magic of Chroma-Key technology, apitchman appears – superimposed over this kitchenscene – and addresses the camera.]

Pitchman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere,do-nothing job? If so, this is your chance to start anexciting career in the world of internationaldiplomacy as an ambassador to a foreign country — byenrolling now at the Ambassador Training Institute.

[After a glimpse of the ATI logo (a shield with aneagle, a dollar bill, and a crossed knife and fork),we dissolve to stock footage of horse-drawn carriages,diplomats shaking hands, tables laden with food,etc.]

Ambassadors live in luxury and get to mingle withglamorous celebrities, royalty, and the social elite.And they don’t have to pick up after themselves.Ambassadors have a lot of prestige and influence. Theyput in long hours without working hard. And they’reoften the center of attention. And the food?Fantastic! Ambassadors dine on the finest gourmet foodat big fancy dinner parties in palaces, in embassiesand trade centers.

[Back to the pitchman.]

To see if you qualify for a career in diplomacy, takethis easy test, right now, in the privacy of your ownhome. Listen closely. You are having dinner with someforeign dignitaries and someone says somethinganti-American. You:

(A) Shoot him and create an internationalincident.

(B) Pretend you did not hear it and ask him to passthe sweet and sour shrimp.

You’d be surprised how many people say “A” — but ifyou said “B,” then you have the ability to make quickdecisions on your feet. When you enroll at AmbassadorTraining Institute, you’ll learn how to accept giftsgraciously, how to propose toasts. You’ll use phraseslike: “Delighted to see you again!” “I’ll ask theSecretary of State.” and “Pass the sweet and sourshrimp.”

Now, here’s how to get your free booklet. Just sendthree hundred thousand dollars and the name of thecountry to which you’d like to be ambassador to:Illegal Campaign Contributions, Ambassador TrainingInstitute, Mexico City, Mexico.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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