SNL Transcripts: Candice Bergen: 11/08/75: The President of the United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

The President of the United States

President Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase

[ open on a stage area, decorated with a podium that reads “The Unofficial Seal – United States of America”, a pair of folding chairs, a standing American flag on a pole, and a table with a pitcher of water and a couple of glasses ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

[ “Hail to the Chief” plays, as a tuxedo-clad President Gerald R. Ford enters from stage right, bumping into the flag and spilling his papers onto the floor. Ford grabs his mangled pages and takes his place behind the podium. ] [ SUPER: “This is not the President of the United States” ] [ SUPER: “…But He Thinks He Is” ]

President Ford: My fellow Americans.. ladies and gentlemen.. members of the press.. and my immediate family. First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. [ repeats his script ] First, may I thank you all for being here. And I am in my immediate family. Thank you all for being here, and I am truly honored to be asked by you to open the “Saturday Night” show with Harvey Cosell.

[ Ford chuckles, as he pours water into one of the glasses then proceeds to sip from the empty glass ]

President Ford: I do have — [ confused by the empty glass, he puts it down ] I do have two major announcements. [ awkward pause ] To make. Whoop! [ suddenly falls to the fall behind the podium ] Uh-oh! [ stands back on his feet ] No problem. No problem, no problem. Okay.

My first announcement is one I think you’ve all been waiting for. [ lowers his head and accidentally bangs it on the podium ] Whoop! No problem! Nope! Okay! No problem! Sorry, no problem.

[ Ford again reaches over to pour water into one of the glasses, then picks up the empty pitcher and sips from it instead. He is again confused by this action, and thus returns the pitcher to the table. ]

President Ford: [ yelling ] I know a fellow who is going to enter the New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Florida, and every other primary! And I know he is going to win! And if he has any other competition, right up to the end of 1976 – thank you! Hey. [ he again falls behind the podium ] Uh-oh! [ picks himself up again ] No problem! No problem! [ continues his speech ] And if I don’t win, I will continue to run in the primaries, even if there are none!

And now for my second announcement.

[ Ford crosses the stage, tripping over the two folding chairs and falling to the floor. He leans up and looks directly at the camera ]

President Ford: “Live, from New York! It’s Saturday Night!”

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