Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 4
75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips
Woman #1…..Gilda Radner
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Matt Hooper…..John Belushi
Woman #2…..Laraine Newman
Woman #3…..Jane Curtin
Woman #4…..Candice Bergen
Jehovah’s Witness…..Garrett Morris
[ Music: “Jaws Theme” ] [ open on interior, apartment ] [ doorbell sounds ]
Woman #1: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??
Woman #1: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..
Woman #1: Plumber? I didn’t ask for a plumber. Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.
Woman #1: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.[ unlocks door, and opens it. The head of the shark appears, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the hallway as she screams. ] [ SUPER: “Jaws II” ] [ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Sheriff and Matt Hooper looking over a three-foot long metal tub covered with a white cloth ]
Matt Hooper: [ looks under cloth and winces ] Oh, my God!
Sheriff: What was it?
Matt Hooper: Land shark. The cleverest species of them all.
Sheriff:[ dissolve to Woman #2 in her apartment ] [ Music: “Jaws Theme ] [ a knock at the door ]
Woman #2: [ appoaches the door ] Yes?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Arlsbergerhh??
Woman #2: Who?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Johnannesburrrr??
Woman #2: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Flowers.
Woman #2: Flowers? From whom?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber, ma’am..
Woman #2: I don’t need a plumber. You’re that clever shark, aren’t you?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Candygram.
Woman #2: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You’re the shark, and you know it.
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] I’m only a dolphin, ma’am..
Woman #2: A dolphin? Well.. okay..[ she opens the door, as the shark pulls her screaming into the hallway ] [ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Matt Hooper lifts up cloth napkin covering plate, then winces and looks away ]
Sheriff: What is it?
Matt Hooper: Egg salad again. [ removes sandwich from under napkin, and takes a bite ] [ dissolve to Woman #3 in her apartment, Woman #2 putting on make-up to go out ] [ door buzzes ]
Woman #3: Who is it?
Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Land Shark.
Woman #3: [ laughing ] Oh, Walter![ she opens door laughing, but is attacked and dragged into the hall by the Land Shark ] [ dissolve to Sheriff’s Office, Sheriff on phone looking horrified into another rtub covered with cloth ]
Sheriff: [ on phone ] Hello, Walter. I have some good news, and I have some bad news. First, the good news. There’s a party tonight at my house. Now, the bad news: you’ll be coming stag. Goodbye, Walter..[ dissolve to Woman #4 in apartment, listening to the radio ]
Radio: …considered the cleverest of all sharks. Unlike the great white, which tends to inhabit the waters of harbors and recreational beach areas, the Land Shark may strike at any place, any time. It is capable of disguising its voice, and generally preys on young, single women. Experts at the University of Miami’s Oceanographic Institute suggest that the best way to scare off the shark in the event of an attack is to hit or punch the predator in the Nose. Now for the weather..
Woman #4: [ turns off radio, as the doorbell rings ] Who is it?
Muffled Voice: Sorry to disturb you, ma’am. I’m from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, and thought you might be interested in a copy of our journal, “The Watchtower”.
Woman #4: [ grabs a mallet and inches towards the door ] Why, I’d be very interested..
Muffled Voice: Would you mind opening the door, ma’am?
Woman #4: Certainly.[ she unlocks the door a crack, and reaches out with the mallet to strike the Land Shark’s head. Instead of the shark, a Jehovah’s Witness stumbles into the apartment and drops onto the floor in front of her. ] [ SUPER: “The End?” ] [ fade ]