SNL Transcripts: Robert Klein: 11/15/75: Fireman

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA


Written by: Alan Zweibel & Gilda Radner

…..Gilda Radner

[ open on Gilda Radner standing on the stage, dressed in fireman garb and holding tight to an oversized axe. Zoom in slowly as she speaks. ]

Gilda Radner: I’m a fireman. And I think being a fireman.. is the most noble and unselfish job in the world. You’re always in danger, and you’re always taking a risk. But you get a dog, and you get to play a lot of board games.. kids love ya’, and you get to see people in their underwear if their houses burn down at night.

On the job, all the guys call me Gil. Firemen have to have short names, like Gil or Greg, Skip or Zeke. You can’t have long names. Montgomery’s a bad name for a fireman. “Hey, Montgomery – get me that hose!” No good. It takes too long, and a person could die.

I love being a fireman. Especially because of the cameraderie all the guys have. Everyone’s always friendly and nice.. because we know we might be the last people we ever see.

Now, here’s some tips on fire prevention. Don’t overload your plug. Don’t light matches for fun. And when you’re cooking over an open stove, don’t wear a Japanese bathrobe. The sleeves hang down, they could catch fire. Don’t leave oily rags lying around in your living room, and don’t kick over an oil lamp in the barn. And be very careful with old people’s birthday cakes. Maybe it’d be better if you just sent them a card. And don’t forget – never smoke in a subway or an elevator. I’m not sure why, but it’s against the law, so don’t do it.

I’m glad I’m a fireman. And I’ve written a ltitle poem about it. [ pulls a notebook out of her boot ] I got it here:

“The fireman’s job is a job worh keeping
We’re all up, while you’re all sleeping.
Sound the alarm and we’re on our toes
Sliding down poles and alerting our nose.
The noblest of jobs, to sniff out fires
And waterproof coats that make you perspire
Yes, we’ve got outfits, gloves and hats
Boots, dalmations, checkers and chats.
Yeah, we’re the guys that save your lives
And we don’t use guns, or clubs, or knives – and bats.”

And, remember – if you’re playing Bingo, sit near an exit.

[ zoom out, fade ]

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