Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 5
[FADE IN on Klein standing at center stage while audience applauds, then ZOOM in on him.]
Robert Klein: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, you know… A lot of my time I spent touring the country and playing a lot of colleges. Probably the most unusual school I played was the Air Force Academy, mostly because they all wore the same thing, which is a mind-blower from the stage, looking out at thirty-six hundred of them, it looks like a moving Brillo pad. I mean, theyre very together, easy to time the show, a very good audience, the Air Force Academy. [stands at attention] PREPARE TO LAUGH! WHOOOOOOOOP! [tucks right hand behind his back] LAUGH! HO, HO! Sort of easy… PREPARE FOR MR. KLEINS NEXT JOKE! SET UP PUNCHLINE, SMALL CHUCKLE!! Haaaaaaa, haaaaaaaa. You know, its sort of easy, to, uh, get…
Robert Klein: Well, I went to a small school in western New York, called Alfred University, and, uh, I went there because of the brochure more than anything else. It was a beauty, you know, really, healthy-looking people walking on the campus with books, you know… [grins broadly and stares upward while pretending to hold an open book] In brochures, people always look up at the future, like this. Theyre always happy, there are never pictures in the brochure like… [hushed] Im gonna flunk out of this place! I lost 200 dollars in a card game! Im pregnant! You never see those pictures, just these…
[Klein reaches down toward a glass with a straw in it which sits on a bar stool to his right.]
Robert Klein: Can I get a drink here? Im so thirsty, its been such a long night…
[He grasps the straw and slurps a light brown drink through it.]
Robert Klein: Wanna see science?
[He covers the top of the straw with one finger, lifts out the straw, and lets the trapped liquid dribble onto the floor.]
Robert Klein: I love science, and, uh… it was my favorite subject and, uh… [takes another drink] In school, I took abnormal psychology. Ever take that? Beautiful course. No more theoretical stuff: there they are in front of you, sick PEOPLE! A 500-page textbook with 600 pictures, all BEAUTIES! You know, of course we were serious about it, we didnt–look at the freak on page 238! [sticks out his right hand and makes a deranged face] We had a little… One thing that stays in my mind about the abnormal psychology course, it was a man in the trauma section, tremendous, he was hurt in a railroad accident–perhaps you remember this–in nineteen five, a steel spike four feet long exploded, went up in the air, came down, went through the top of his head–this is true–went through his brain, came out the bottom here, [points to chin] and lodged, and he had to live the rest of his life with that thing in there, and they followed his life very closely, and compiled thousands of pages of scientific data, and found out extraordinary things. For example, he was much more irritable…
Robert Klein: Loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping. I love science. Is that an understatement? Its not all GOOD science. You know, they did some experiments with marijuana at Tulane University, and its important that they find out what marijuana is, because a lot of people deal with it, and dont really know, and Im not… I dont know what it does or DOESNT do! [jerks his hand upward as if hes being shocked] I have no idea. Im not about to TELL you! [jerks hand again] I dont know. But they took, uh, about 40 rhesus monkeys, listen to this experiment… about 40 rhesus monkeys, and they put this steel confining apparatus on them, they couldnt move their arms and legs, put electrodes in their brain, make em comfortable right out of the JUNGLE, to this, right? And these monkeys–they weigh about 18 pounds each–these monkeys had to smoke their body weight in marijuana every day for four months. [brief laughter and clapping] Which is the equivalent to drinking a bottle of Clorox. Well, they found out some incredible things. They were much more irritable… loss of app–science marches on!
[He marches in place and hums marching band music.]
Robert Klein: Dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah…
[Cheers and applause]
Robert Klein: [to camera] AND well be right back after this filmed message! Please stay with us.
[Fade to black]
Submitted by: Sean