SNL Transcripts: Robert Klein: 11/15/75: Sam Peckinpah



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5









75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Sam Peckinpah

Written by: John Belushi

Stagehand…..Laraine Newman
Debbie…..Gilda Radner
Rex…..Robert Klein
Sam Peckinpah…..John Belushi

[ open on a movie living room set, an actress named Debbie sitting on the loveseat reading her lines ] [ Stagehand enters with the lead actor – Rex ]

Stagehand: Debbie? This is Rex.

Debbie: Oh, how do you do, Rex?

Rex: Hello, honey, I’m glad to meet you.

Debbie: Nice to meet you.

Rex: We’ll begin shooting in just a moment, just as soon as Mr. Peckinpah gets here.

[ Stagehand exits, as Debbie and Rex get acquainted ]

Debbie: Um.. Rex, I’m a great fan of yours, I’ve seen all of your films. Really, you’re wonderful.

Rex: Well, thank you, I’m happy to hear you say that.

Debbie: Uh, listen. I-I’m a little nervous. I’ve never worked with Mr. Peckinpah before, andI hear he’s pretty tough.

Rex: Oh, Sam? No, I’ve done fourteen Westerns with Sam! That tough thing is just on the outside. The man’s a pussycat, believe me!

Debbie: But, uh.. he’s never really done a romantic-comedy before, and.. I was wondering – you think he can handle that?

Rex: Sam? Oh, come on now. Sam’s a genius, he can handle anything! I’m sure he’ll pull it off.

[ Director Sam Peckinpah enters the set, looking angrily off-stage at a stagehand ]

Sam Peckinpah: One more mistake, you’re on the bus! [ spots Rex ] Rex! Hey, hey! [ the two begin to playfully spar with one another, until he notices Debbie ] You must be Debbie.

Debbie: Yes. How do you do, Mr. Peckinpah?

Sam Peckinpah: Charmed. [ kisses her hand ] Look, I don’t like to waste a lot of time on rehearsal, let’s put one down, alright?

Debbie: Oh. Alright.

Sam Peckinpah: Let’s film it! Okay, let’s try one. [ Debbie takes her place standing at the window, while Rex sits on the loveseat reading a newspaper ] This is a take. [ takes a seat in his director’s chair ] Okay. and.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uh.. that’s not quite it. [ slaps Debbie in the face ] It doesn’t, it doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t — Make me believe it.

Debbie: I’m sorry, yes.

Sam Peckinpah: Make me believe it, okay?

Debbie: Okay. Yes.

Sam Peckinpah: Alright? How do you feel?

Debbie: I’m fine, thank you.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. Alright. Let’s try it again, alright?

Debbie: Okay.

[ Debbie and Rex resume their positions ]

Sam Peckinpah: Alright. Let’s try one. Quiet. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut. [ stands ] Uh.. you’re playing it too broad. Uh, you have to, you have to bring it down a little bit, okay? Alright. Have fun with it. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders ]

Debbie: I’m fine.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ displaces his weight so he can kick her in the shin ] Okay.

[ everyone returns to their positions on the set ]

Sam Peckinpah: Let’s try one! And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! [ stands ] You know.. that’s not quite it, you know? It just is not working for me. It’s not you! [ thrusts his pointed fingers towards Debbie, who flinches just in case ] It’s me, it’s me. [ points his fingers back to himself ] Give me a second to think, okay. Just give me a second. [ wraps his hand around his face, thinking intensely ] I’ve got it! [ thrusts his hand out and punches Debbie in the gut; she falls on the loveseat and struggles to climb back to her feet ] Vivacius!

Debbie: Vivacious?

Sam Peckinpah: I want you to be vivacious.

Debbie: Oh. Okay.

Sam Peckinpah: Okay. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders again ]

Debbie: I’m great, I’m just fine.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ slaps her across the face, then turns to Rex ] Is it working for you?

Rex: I’m good. Good contact.

Sam Peckinpah: Alright, let’s try another one! Let’s do it this time! [ everyone returns to their positions on the set ] Okay. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uhhh.. gee, I don’t know. [ grabs the back of Debbie’s neck and twists her to the floor ] I don’t know, I don’t know. [ to Rex ] Can you believe this? [ Rex nods ] Are you relating? Is there good eye contact there? There is?

[ Debbie signals for Rex to rescue her, but Peckinpah continues to push her onto the loveseat as he he critiques the performance ]

Sam Peckinpah: I think it’s me, I do, I think it’s me. Well, let’s try it again, alright? [ knocks Debbie onto the loveseat with a slap; when she struggles back to her feet, he shoves her back into it again ] Okay, let’s try it. Let’s try one more, let’s try to get it right. Alright?

[ while returning to her position at the window, Debbie practically collapses onto the floor before she makes it back on her feet ]

Rex: Same place, Sam?

Sam Peckinpah: Same place. Start from the top. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

[ a beat, as Peckinpah looks on without interrupting ]

Rex: Really? what?

Sam Peckinpah: Cut!

[ Debbie looks toward Peckinpah with a certain panic and disallusion in her eyes, while Rex gives a cocky glance towards his director ]

Sam Peckinpah: [ stands ] Now, Rex.. what I want from you.. is, I want —

[ suddenly, Rex violently knees Peckinpah in the groin, grabs his shoulders and thrusts him to the floor ]

Sam Peckinpah: [ sits up, dazed ] That’s it! I think we got a take! Print it!

[ Rex and Debbie walk off the set arm-in-arm ] [ dissolve to the applauding audience ] [ SUPER: “Coming Up Next.. Are Tulips The Vodka Of Flowers?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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