SNL Transcripts: Lily Tomlin: 11/22/75: Male Sexual Harassment

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Male Sexual Harassment

Written by: Rosie Shuster & Anne Beatts

Forewoman…..Lily Tomlin
Danny…..Dan Aykroyd
Jane…..Jane Curtin
Gilda…..Gilda Radner
Laraine…..Laraine Newman

[ open on interior, classroom, as construction forewoman demonstrates a lesson with a hydraulic drill; female students are dressed in hardhats and jumpers. ]

Forewoman: Well.. that’s how the hydraulic drill works. Now that you’ve got the technical stuff under your belt, I think it’s time ya got some moxie – what I call “Streetside Savvy.” Now, here are a few choice facial expressions – you know, for when you’re not on the cinstruction site – and the noises that go with ’em. For instance: “Hey, ay ay ay! Chicky chicky chicky chicky chicky! Hey, ay ay ay!” [ purses her lips and signals with fingers ] And, this is a killer.. [ does the fish lips ] Yeah, it drives men crazy! Okay, now Exchange Student Danny, over here – hey, you!

[ Exchange Student Danny steps over ]

Forewoman: He has kindly offered to aid us in our live demonstration. Jane! Up here! [ Jane steps forward and sits beside Forwoman on the mock girder ] Now, uh, when a cutie pie walks by.. [ to Danny ] I want you to strut your stuff, honey. [ to the girls ] When a cutie pie walks by, here’s how you break the ice: [ as Danny struts past ] “Hey, hey, hey! Beefcakes! Beefcakes! Yeah! You! Come up here, baby! Do some squat jumps on dis girder!” Okay, I think I got him warmed up – you take over! Hey, hey, wait a second.. permit me, sweetheart.. [ removes Danny’s coat from his shoulders, allowing him to flex his muscles ]

Jane: Hey, hey, dreamboat.. what’s da matter? A.. smile isn’t gonna cost ya anything..

Forewoman: No, no, no.. No, you shoulda had that memorized, Jane, you shoulda had that memorized. Okay, class, let’s have a little participation. Here’s where your buddy support comes in handy. You take it again, Jane, strut your stuff there!

Jane: Hey, Studmuffins.. wanna make bouncy-bouncy?

Forewoman: Come on, kids, let’s have it! Come on, let’s have it! No, let’s have some participation, some buddy support!

Gilda: [ eager ] Oh, alright! [ whistles at Danny ]

Forewoman: That’s good. Hey, “Hoo-hah, hoo-hah!” [ whistles at Danny ] Get a load of that! Whoo-hoo! I wouldn’t throw him out of bed! Hey hey hey! Okay, hey, Gilda, come on up! Come up up! [ Gilda approaches Danny ] Hey, honey, sweetheart, hey you! Strut your stuff in front of Gilda! [ Danny mercilessly struts ] That’s it, sweetheart! do it!

Gilda: Voom, va-va-voom! Voom, va-va voom! Voom, va-va voom!

Forewoman: A real, real nice selection, Gilda! A real nice selection! Honey, come on, keep it up, let’s go!

Gilda: Uh.. hey! Joy Chunks! No, you! Hey! You dropped something! [ Danny bends over ] no, just fooling! you look like my ex-husband! [ laughs sadistically; Jane whistles ] Uh.. I don’t think he likes this..

Forewoman: No, no, no.. hey.

Danny: Can I put on my coat now, please?

Forewoman: May I put on my coat, please? No! Okay, class, hey! You all saw how Danny here, uh.. he’s reacting like he’s insulted? It’s all an act, believe me. Trust me, Gilda – he loves it. Every minute of it, he loves it

Laraine: Yeah. When you stop whistling, they sure do start gettin’ nervous!

Gilda: Okay, I’ll try it! Hey hey hey hey, come on, baby!

Danny: I’m not your baby!

Forewoman: Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, hey, hey! [ to class ] This is what you call your re-par-tee! Now, when you get your example of your re-par-tee, I mean, if you’re a hardhat who’s done her homework, you’re gonna have a battery of witty-cisms and bons mots. Okay?

Laraine: Heeeeyy, Crazy Pecs! Where’d you get those pecs, why don’t ya flex ’em for me, Butch? Yeah, give me a cheap thrill, uh.. how would ya like a staple in your navel?

Danny: Okay, just hold on a minute! What do you think I am! Men have feelings, too, you know! I don’t have to take this! I thought I was coming in to help!

Laraine: Come on, you eat this stuff up like a fork, you know? I mean, you love it! Don’t complain! You little tease, you little juicy buns!

Danny: Hey, that’s enough.. knock it off!!

Forewoman: Oh! Hey hey! Hey, they are so cute when they’re mad! They are so cute!

[ lunch whistle blows ]

Forewoman: Uh-oh! Hey, hey! One hour. Lunchtime. [ hands Danny his coat ] Here – put this on, sweetheart, cover yourself up!

[ the hardhats exit the classroom, except for Gilda ]

Danny: [ sighs ] They were real mean to me! I was only trying to help them!

Gilda: Hey.. don’t cry. It’s only school.

[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Is Lassie’s Real Name Elaine Horowitz” ]

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