SNL Transcripts: Lily Tomlin: 11/22/75: Jaws III


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Jaws III

Young Woman…..Laraine Newman
Land Shark…..Chevy Chase
Matt Hooper…..John Belushi
Sheriff Brady…..Dan Aykroyd
Patricia…..Jane Curtin
Second Woman…..Gilda Radner
Mrs. Brady…..Lily Tomlin

[ open on Young Woman sitting on the couch, talking to her mother over the phone ]

Young Woman: Mom, I’m telling you, I’ll be okaaaayy. I’ll be careful. Alright. goodbye. [ hangs up, as doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music as she saunters over to the door ] Yes?

Voice of Land Shark: Mrs. Bowerton..

Young Woman: Who?

Voice of Land Shark: Mrs. Heyahl..

Young Woman: What?!

Voice of Land Shark: Telephone man!

Young Woman: My telephone’s okay! Who is this?!

Voice of Land Shark: [ pause ] Are you double-parked, I think you’re blocking me?

Young Woman: I don’t own a car! come on, who is this?

Voice of Land Shark: [ hesitant ] Candygram.

Young Woman: [ excited ] A candygram! Oh, boy! [ opens door, and is devoured headfirst by Land Shark ] [ SUPER: “Jaws III” ] [ dissolve to Sheriff’s office, as Matt Hooper examines the Young Woman’s remains ]

Matt Hooper: [ breathing heavily ] Oh, my God! You can’t tell me.. that this woman was killed by slipping on a bar of soap!!

Sheriff Brady: What is it, Matt?

Matt Hooper: [ dramatic pause ] Land Shark! Still the cleverest species of them all!

Sheriff Brady: That’s the third time he’s hit that building! We’d better get over there!

[ dissolve to Patricia, sitting on couch and listening to the radio ]

Voice on Radio: Still on the loose. He disguises his voice and attacks single women, usually. It is still advised that the best method to ward off the land shark, in case of attack, is to hit it on the nose with a blunt instrument. Oceanographers at the –

[ Patricia turns the radio off ] [ doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music ]

Patricia: Yes?

Voice of Sheriff Brady: Patricia! It’s Sheriff Brady and Matt Cooper! We’ve got to talk to you, it’s urgent!

Patricia: Okay, just a sec. [ grabs a mallet from bookshelf and unlocks her door ] Come right in.

[ the door open, Patricia swings her mallet; Sheriff Brady topples into the front room clutching his head in pain ]

Matt Hooper: [ enters ] It’s alright. Listen, Patricia.. Patricia.. this shark thing, it’s coming for the head! Now, he’s smart! He’s very smart! But! He’s killed three separate women in the same building! That’s where we’ve got him! Okay? Now, stay in your apartment, and don’t leave, no matter what! Don’t answer that door for any reason, okay? Unless you know it’s me or Sheriff Brady! Is that clear?

Patricia: I think so, yes.

Matt Hooper: You got it?!

Patricia: Uh-huh.

Matt Hooper: Okay. Now, there’s a special knock, that only me or Sheriff Brady will know! Okay? Now, don’t answer that door unless you hear that knock! It goes like this: [ knocks thrice, pauses, then twice more ] You got it?

Patricia: Yeah.

Matt Hooper: [ demonstrates it again ] That’s it! Okay? Okay, let’s go, Brady. We’ve gotta alert the others! Come on! Thanks, Patricia! Bye!

[ Matt and Brady exit, Patricia locks her door ] [ the secret knock is heard at the door ]

Patricia: What is it now?!

Voice of Land Shark: [ voice disguised ] Uh.. I-I left my goggles there, Patricia..

Patricia: Oh, okay! [ opens door, is devourced by th shark ] [ dissolve to Sheriff Brady’s office, as he and Matt examine Patricia’s body ]

Sheriff Brady: Which one is Patricia?

Matt Hooper: [ fuming ] Now, this is no time for levity, Brady! Now, look, we’ve gotta think of something! We’ve gottta think of something.. very fast.. Okay. I’ve got it! I’ve got an idea! I’ll be right back! [ steps off-screen ]

Sheriff Brady: This has gotta stop! We’ve gotta do something! [ thinking, as “Jaws” music cues ] I know! I know, that’s it! I can get some people. We’ll post deputies at the entrances and exits of all buildings!

[ Land Shark’s head bobs out from behind wall, nudging Brady’s shoulder ] I’m glad you’re back – I know just how to handle this! What we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna get some people together.

Land Shark: Get a posse?

Sheriff Brady: Get a posse, that’s right!

Land Shark: Surround the area?

Sheriff Brady: Surround the area, right! That’s right! Good, good! We’ll surround the area!

Land Shark: Walkie-talkies.

Sheriff Brady: Walkie-talkies! Good! Walkie-talkies!

Land Shark: Maybe carry some harpoons?

Sheriff Brady: Carry some harpoons? That’s a stupid idea- [ screams as Land Shark bites on him and pulls him off-screen ] [ dissolve to Second Woman sitting on couch, listening to radio ]

Voice on Radio: ..and suggested it will pass, that there are ways to escape njury, even from the deadliest of the ocean sharks – the Great White. One method commonly spoken of by experts in this area- [ screams, as shark is heard eating him ]

Voice of Land Shark: [ taking over broadcast ] to graciously invite the, uh.. the fish into your living room, and offer him a soda pop.. and maybe some Oreos and cookies.. just make him feel at home. And, uh.. that’s the news. Uh.. stay tuned for something else. Wait! Stay tuned.. stay tuned for music.

Second Woman: [ turns radio off, as doorbell rings; cue “Jaws” music ] Who is it?

Voice of Land Shark: Land Shark!

Second Woman: Ohh.. Land Shark, huh? [ opens door ] Come on in and have a root beer! We’ve got Oreos and- [ screams, as shark devours her] [ dissolve to Sheriff Brady’s office, as Matt uses the phone ]

Matt Hooper: Hello, Mrs. Brady? Yeah, this is Matt. This is Matt. Right. Look, uh.. I don’t know how to tell you this, but, uh.. well, your husband’s been eaten by a shark. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll tell you all about it later, I’ll be right over. [ hangs up phone ] [ dissolve to Mrs. Brady at her apartment, wearing black veil and looking at a picture of Sheriff Brady ] [ a knock at the door ]

Mrs. Brady: Yes?

Voice of Matt Hooper: Yeah, it’s me, Sue!

Mrs. Brady: [ starts to unlock door, then stops ] How do I know it’s really you?

Voice of Matt Hooper: Because I don’t sound like a shark, do I! Come on, it’s me, Matt!

Mrs. Brady: [ opens door ] Oh, Matt, I’m glad to see you. I feel so badly. that he had to go this way.. even though you are so attractive to me – you hunk!

Matt Hooper: [ out of breath ] Listen, sue.. there’s no time for that now! Listen, I don’t know how we can stop this thing! He’s just too clever! He’s too smart!

[ cue “Jaws” music ]

Voice of Chevy Chase: [ at door ] John..? Lily..? Cut it.. Cut it..

Lily Tomlin: [ breaking character ] What?

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] What?

Voice of Chevy Chase: Cut it, please.. I’m sorry.. we’re running very long, I’m sorry.. we’re gonna have to cut this sketch short, I’m afraid it’s, uh.. the scene’s getting too slow..

Lily Tomlin: Oh, come on!

John Belushi: Can’t we just finish the scene?!

Voice of Chevy Chase: No, I’m really sorry, John.. it’s just..

Lily Tomlin: Well, look.. I mean, the scene’s almost over.. give us a break..

Voice of Chevy Chase: Lily.. Lily.. we’re running too long.. why don’t you just say a line or something, exit through that apartment door there, on your right..

John Belushi: This is great.. great! Just when I’m about ready to catch the shark, you’re gonna cut the scene! Great!

Lily Tomlin: Forget about catching the shark! I mean, I can understand them doing this to you, but I’m the host! [ screams, as shark peeks in and gobbles her ]

John Belushi: [ alone on couch ] I turned down a job in “Cuckoo’s Nest” for this..

[ SUPER: “The End ?” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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