SNL Transcripts: Lily Tomlin: 11/22/75: Lily Tomlin’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 6

75f: Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin’s Monologue

…Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin: [ screams ] Well, thank you all a lot! And welome to the show. We’re excited tonight to show this pageant to you. It’s something that’s inside our bodies, and it just wants to get out! I’m especially excited to be back here in New York, because when you’re here, you know, there’s just so many impressions and so many impulses that greet you and meet you. In fact, so many, that, very often I just feel bound to write them down in my notebook, which I have concealed here very cleverly in my armpit! [ reaches in blouse and pulls out notebook ] And, um.. I thought I’d read them to you:

“I wonder what it would be like if we all became what we wanted to be when we grew up? I mean, imagine a world filled with nothing but firemen, cowboys, nurses and ballerinas.”

“I’ve decided that New York is always knowing where your purse is.”

“And I’ll tell you something else – I resent losing the Ozone Layer just so we cna have Pam.”

“Have you ever actually seen someone laughing all the way to the bank?”

“Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?” [ audience applauds wildly ] Why, this audience is filled with a bunch of little freaks!

“Being a New Yorker is never having to say you’re sorry.”

“How come when you’re last in a line that isn’t moving, and someone comes and stands behind you, you fell a lot better?”

And, most important of all: “Wouldn’t it be nice if all those people who roam the streets of New York, talking to themselves, were paired off so that they could walk around in couples and look like they’re having a conversation?”

I’ll tell you – I wanted to do a cheer for New York, while I’m here. [ snapping fingers ] And.. this is the composition that comes to mind:

“Cheer up, New York, ’cause you’re okay
Though the President says you won’t last another day.
I’m here to say you’re here to stay
And mention, by the way, if I may
You got the greatest culture, symphonies and plays
Also shopping, eating, meeting places and subways
Take pride in yourself, you could be Philadelphia.”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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