Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 7
75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron
Richard Pryor’s Monologue
…..Richard Pryor
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Pryor!
Richard Pryor: How you doin’? Thank you very much forcoming here to New York. Uh, hope I’m funny. I’d liketo dedicate this to, uh, show to Miles Davis, myfriend. He’s in the hospital, sick. But he’s cool.Miles always gets women, though, ’cause he talks socool. You know, Miles go: [scratchy whisper] “What’shappenin’?”
I get women, too. I can’t keep ’em but I get ’em.Women always leave me, man! I don’t mind ’em leavin’but they tell you why. You know what I mean? Justleave! Don’t tell me why! ‘Cause there ain’t nothin’you can do but stand there and look silly, right? Yoube … [imitates a man standing there and lookingsilly: points to himself in surprise, shrugshelplessly, rolls his eyes, shakes his head indisbelief] And the madder you get, women get cool whenyou get mad. [as an angry man] “WELL, GO ON AND GETOUT THEN!” [as a cool, calm woman] “I’m leaving.” [asthe man] “I DON’T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” [as thewoman] “Don’t worry, you shan’t.”
Drive you to drink, jack, you know? I tried drinkin’for a while but I used to go into bars and check outthe people that were drinkin’ and they weren’t happy.And they get beat up a lot. No — drunks, they startout cool. Brother be cool at first and he goin’:[quiet, polite] “Give me a Scotch and soda, please.”Real cool. ‘Bout a hour later: [instantly imitates adrunk, yelling at a bartender to his right] “WHAT?!WHAT YOU MEAN I’M DRUNK?! HUH? I wasn’t drunk when Icame in here! And I ain’t gonna leave till I’m sober.Now, you can dig that, baby. Bartender?! Are you thebartender? Give everybody in here somethin’. Give ’ema beer. And twenty straws. Ha ha! Whoooo!” [applause,Pryor turns to his left] “Hey! Huh? What you lookin’at, bitch? What? No, I don’t know what time it is.It’s time for you to stop messin’ with me. That’s whattime it is. I know I’m ugly but I don’t look like noclock. That’s right, baby. [turns to his right] What?What are you worried about? You the bartender. If Isay somethin’ to this piece of wood, then you saysomethin’. Otherwise, you can freeze on your thing,baby. You know, ’cause I’ll bust you apart. Ha haaaa!Whooo! [turns to his left, looks up] What you want,big ol’ dude? Apologize to who? For what? I don’t careif she your mama– [suddenly falls to the floor andtries to fend off blows with his arms as if beingpunched and kicked by the big ol’ dude] Hey, man! Waita minute, man! [rises] I’m just kiddin’, man, baby.What you doin’?! You done kick me in the ass, baby![feels his sore ass] You in a world o’ trouble now!No, don’t hold him — let him go, baby! Come on, youwant some of me? [puts his fists up to fight but isinstantly knocked to the floor, bounces back up again]Wait a minute, man. I’m only kiddin’ ya now.”[pretends to vomit all over himself noisily, muchapplause.]
That’s why I don’t drink so much. Take acid, either.White dudes take acid. They do. They take acid and gosee “The Exorcist.” They crazy. White dude gave mesome acid once at a party, too, jack. And I thought Iwas crazy before I took it. It saned me right up. Dudesay: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “This is far out.” Isaid, “What?” Says: [nerdy white dude’s voice] “It’sfar out.” I took it, jack. [mimes taking the acid,then as the white dude] “You’re gonna be trippin’!”
‘Bout twenty minutes later, I was at the party: “Hey,blood, what’s happenin’? [mimes one half of a complexhandshake for two brothers] Everything is cool. Whitedude gave me some stuff I’m gonna be trippin’! Youknow, I ain’t goin’ no place without my luggage.Believe that. [runs his lips over his teeth, somethingfeels funny, he puts his left hand up to his face,then starts waving it back and forth, his eyes rivetedto his hand, then he starts waving both hands aroundin the air watching them intently] Look at this, man!I can catch my hand! [eyes bug out, mouth opens wide,a high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [suddenlythe squeal becomes low-pitched and Pryor starts moving– and talking — in slow motion] Uh oh. I’ve got toget out of here! [running in very slow motion acrosshome base, another high-pitched squeal] Whaaaaaaaa![suddenly stops, clutches his chest, in a normal butpanicked voice] I don’t remember how to breathe! Ican’t breathe! [opens mouth, bobs head] One, two,three. Ain’t nothin’ happenin’, man!” [nerdy whitedude’s voice] “Told ya it was far out!”
[tripping again] “I’m gonna die! I don’t even know whoI am, I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’mgonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! I’m gonnadie! I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die! [keeps repeating”I’m gonna die!” over and over in an increasinglyfunky rhythm and then starts dancing goofily to thebeat – it begins to sound like an auctioneer’s chant -abruptly, he stops and raises an arm triumphantlywhile speaking gibberish that sounds vaguely like anAfrican tribesman – this segues into a briefpseudo-native American chant – finally, Pryor flapshis arms in slow motion as if about to fly away] What- in – the – world – is – happening – to – me?!” [Muchapplause. Pryor waves to the audience.]Submitted Anonymously
