SNL Transcripts: Richard Pryor: 12/13/75: The Muppets



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7






75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

The Muppets

[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]

Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.

[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]

Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] I’m retired, and Iwant to go to bed…

Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!!

[ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]

Ploobis: Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that.

Peuta: Come to bed!!

Ploobis: [slurring] Don’t tell me what to do!

Peuta: You’re still drunk!

Ploobis: And you’re still ugly. We’re even.

[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]

Ploobis: Uh, yeah, uhhhhhhhhh, we’re even, ehhhhhhhh, um.

[ENTER Scred, a smaller, gray, warty lizard, carrying a lump of ice in his hands and singing unintelligbly.]

Scred: Hiya, hiya, Chief. I got the ice and the beer nuts, but they’re all out of lampshades.

Ploobis: Listen, Scred. Have a drink. I hate to drink alone.

Scred: Oh, nup, nup, nup, I’m seeing double already.

Ploobis: Well, then, both of you have a drink.

Scred: Aaaaaaagh!

[He grabs Scred, pulls him over, opens his mouth, and pours booze down his throat.]

Ploobis: There you go. That, that’s drinking like a man, friend.

[Scred gurgles and coughs]

Ploobis: Drunk like a man.

Scred: Naw, you forgot what planet you’re on! That’s drinking like a Snirch! He, he, he, he….

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, I forget how them Snirches drink.

[Scred tries to pull away, but his ragged sleeve catches on one of Ploobis’s rings.]

Ploobis: You’re caught on me there, Scred!

Scred: Aaaaaagh!

Ploobis: Let go of me, aaagrrgh…

[Scred manages to untangle himself.]

Scred: You know, you shouldn’t drink, though. Yeah, you should just lay offa that stuff!

Ploobis: [points to bottle] All right. You’re fired! You get that, he got laid off the stuff! You, you see that? Heh, heh, heh!

[They laugh while Ploobis has another blast.]

Ploobis: Ehhhh, Scred.

Scred: Hmm?

Ploobis: Scred.

Scred: Yeah?

Ploobis: You know why I drink?

Scred: No.

Ploobis: It’s because I hate myself.

Scred: Oh. That explains why I drink! I hate you too!

[Ploobis throws the bottle at Scred, but misses. The bottle goes klunk on the ground.]

Scred: Actually, actually, I’m only kidding. You’re my very favorite.

Ploobis: Yeahh?

Scred: Yeah. I just love bloated green things.

[Ploobis grabs Scred by the collar.]

Ploobis: I like you too, see, Scred. I like, I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit.

[chokes Scred]

Scred: How convenient!

Ploobis: Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Scred: What?

Ploobis: Why don’t–why don’t–why don’t–listen, why don’t–why–why don’t–why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Scred: Oh, no! I got a better idea?

Ploobis: What’s that?

Scred: Yeah. Why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Ploobis: That’s a good idea! Let’s do that! Come on, let’s go.

[Ploobis and Scred start off to the right.]

Ploobis: Nope–it’s not that way. It’s the other way.

Scred: Over here.

[They walk off to the left and come to a kind of granite, Egyptian statue with an old man’s face carved into it.]

[sound effect of a gong]

Mighty Favog: This is The Mighty Favog.

Ploobis: That is The Mighty Flavog.

Scred: Yeah, sure is! He, he, he!! Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here want to go back to Kansas!!

[Laughter]

Mighty Favog: [tonelessly] You guys been hittin’ the sauce again.

Ploobis: Listen, uh–

Scred: No, just had a couple of drinks.

Ploobis: Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stoneface!

Scred: Stoneface! Stoneface! Yeah, he’s got a face that could stop a clock!

Mighty Favog: Stoneface?! Thou shalt not take the face of the Lord thy God in vain!

[There is a sound effect of thunderclap, while a lurid gray smoke cloud appears in the sky. Ploobis and Scred tremble in fear.]

Mighty Favog: Heh. The mighty Oz has spoken.

[Sound effect of a gong, then ZOOM in on Favog nodding his head. Play funky music, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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