Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 1: Episode 7
[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]
Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]
Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] Im retired, and Iwant to go to bed…
Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!![ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]
Ploobis: Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that.
Peuta: Come to bed!!
Ploobis: [slurring] Dont tell me what to do!
Peuta: Youre still drunk!
Ploobis: And youre still ugly. Were even.[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]
Ploobis: Uh, yeah, uhhhhhhhhh, were even, ehhhhhhhh, um.[ENTER Scred, a smaller, gray, warty lizard, carrying a lump of ice in his hands and singing unintelligbly.]
Scred: Hiya, hiya, Chief. I got the ice and the beer nuts, but theyre all out of lampshades.
Ploobis: Listen, Scred. Have a drink. I hate to drink alone.
Scred: Oh, nup, nup, nup, Im seeing double already.
Ploobis: Well, then, both of you have a drink.
Scred: Aaaaaaagh![He grabs Scred, pulls him over, opens his mouth, and pours booze down his throat.]
Ploobis: There you go. That, thats drinking like a man, friend.[Scred gurgles and coughs]
Ploobis: Drunk like a man.
Scred: Naw, you forgot what planet youre on! Thats drinking like a Snirch! He, he, he, he….
Ploobis: Oh, yeah, I forget how them Snirches drink.
Ploobis: Youre caught on me there, Scred!
Ploobis: Let go of me, aaagrrgh…[Scred manages to untangle himself.]
Scred: You know, you shouldnt drink, though. Yeah, you should just lay offa that stuff!
Ploobis: [points to bottle] All right. Youre fired! You get that, he got laid off the stuff! You, you see that? Heh, heh, heh![They laugh while Ploobis has another blast.]
Ploobis: Ehhhh, Scred.
Ploobis: You know why I drink?
Ploobis: Its because I hate myself.
Scred: Oh. That explains why I drink! I hate you too![Ploobis throws the bottle at Scred, but misses. The bottle goes klunk on the ground.]
Scred: Actually, actually, Im only kidding. Youre my very favorite.
Scred: Yeah. I just love bloated green things.[Ploobis grabs Scred by the collar.]
Ploobis: I like you too, see, Scred. I like, I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit.[chokes Scred]
Scred: How convenient!
Ploobis: Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Ploobis: Why dont–why dont–why dont–listen, why dont–why–why dont–why dont we go see The Mighty Flavog?
Scred: Oh, no! I got a better idea?
Ploobis: Whats that?
Scred: Yeah. Why dont we go see The Mighty Flavog?
Ploobis: Thats a good idea! Lets do that! Come on, lets go.[Ploobis and Scred start off to the right.]
Ploobis: Nope–its not that way. Its the other way.
Scred: Over here.[They walk off to the left and come to a kind of granite, Egyptian statue with an old mans face carved into it.] [sound effect of a gong]
Mighty Favog: This is The Mighty Favog.
Ploobis: That is The Mighty Flavog.
Scred: Yeah, sure is! He, he, he!! Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here want to go back to Kansas!![Laughter]
Mighty Favog: [tonelessly] You guys been hittin the sauce again.
Ploobis: Listen, uh–
Scred: No, just had a couple of drinks.
Ploobis: Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stoneface!
Scred: Stoneface! Stoneface! Yeah, hes got a face that could stop a clock!
Mighty Favog: Stoneface?! Thou shalt not take the face of the Lord thy God in vain![There is a sound effect of thunderclap, while a lurid gray smoke cloud appears in the sky. Ploobis and Scred tremble in fear.]
Mighty Favog: Heh. The mighty Oz has spoken.[Sound effect of a gong, then ZOOM in on Favog nodding his head. Play funky music, then FADE to black.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield